Incomplete
by CardioQueen
Summary: AU. Burke and Cristina struggle to become parents. Thanks for the reads and reviews.
1. Chapter 1

Burke stood silently over his wife, his hand resting at the small of her back as he peeked over her shoulders at the tiny life in her arms and something stirred inside of him. He brushed his lips over her forehead softly and pulled her just a little closer.

"What was that for?" She asked suspiciously.

"Do I need a reason to kiss my wife?"

Meredith gave a light chuckle at the two of them, "I know that look anywhere, Cristina. You can't tell me that you don't see the little wheels turning in his head."

Cristina pulled away from Burke and moved back to Meredith's side, depositing the newborn in her arms and sat on the edge of the hospital bed that she occupied, "Oh no. We've come to an understanding on that years ago. The understanding that I would screw up anything that could possibly come out of my uterus and that we wouldn't take those chances. Right, baby?"

Burke cleared his throat, putting his hands nervously in his pockets. There was so much he wanted to say right now after seeing his best friend who had been married a full two years less than he had already have a family, "I'm going to go find Shepherd." He finally spoke, not wanting to give her confirmation to use against him later.

When he left the room, Meredith shook her head, "How is it that you're so damn smart, yet so oblivious?"

"What? He doesn't want kids. I don't want kids. We've been married for four-going-on-five years. Do you honestly think that If he wanted kids that we'd still be together?" Cristina muttered, making a face as the baby started to cry. She looked on silently in awe and disgust all at the same time as Meredith cooed at the baby and tried to calm it.

Something in her ached as well. If her best friend had a kid, where the hell did that leave her. She wouldn't mind spending a lot more time with Burke, but Meredith being a mommy meant no more drinking at Joe's on Friday night (which had actually been traded for a movie night for the past 9 months), no more being able to come over at three am in the morning when she had an issue she couldn't figure out. No more Meredith.

Cristina couldn't comprehend why people even wanted children. They were and ending to a life. Too much responsibility, too much heartbreak and way too much chance involved. Even if you raised them to be the perfect specimens, they had a mind of their own and it wasn't worth the risk to her.

Nor was it worth the price.

After Meredith quieted her daughter, she looked back up to her friend, "Cristina. You can see it in his eyes, he wants so badly to have a family. Why don't you at least talk to him about it?"

She swallowed down Meredith's words, them forming a lump in her throat, "If I were to talk to Burke about it, it would somehow signify that I'm willing to come to a compromise on this and I am not. There are no kids in our future. And you're not going to make me a part of the mommy club, so quit trying."

"I'm not trying to make you a part of the mommy club. I'm trying to make you a part of the good wife club." Meredith shot back.

"Oh, does that involve sleeping with an ex during the first year of your marriage, because I'm afraid I missed that initiation."

"Bitch."

"Nice language to use around your kid. Really classy." Cristina grinned and stood from the bed, "I'm going to go find my husband, peel him from yours and take him home and have sex with him. Glorious protected sex that will not result in one of those." She pointed to the baby in semi-mocked disgust.

"I'm never having sex again, so taunt me all you want." Meredith shrugged happily, "And you can't leave. You were supposed to help me think up a better name for her than Melissa."

"Isn't Melissa what McDreamy wants?" Cristina walked across the room and gathered her coat and bag in her arms.

"Yeah, but it's so plain."

Cristina smirked as she propped herself in the door way, "Name her Addison."

"You're not helping me."

"Too bad she's not a boy. You could name her Finn." Cristina pressed.

"Oh, go find your husband." Meredith finally sighed, turning her attention once again to her newborn daughter with a smile on her face, "Being a mom isn't so bad, Cristina. Whenever you look down into their pretty little eyes and they put the little cap or whatever on their tiny little head…and you get to dress them and teach them everything there is to know about the world. It's kind of exciting."

Cristina chuckled lightly, "Are you looking into her 'pretty little' closed eyes? Good luck with that. I'm still not interested."

She walked away without another word to Meredith to find Burke to assess the damage that McDreamy had set it during this whole pregnancy and now with the delivery. She was going to do her best to avoid the subject once they got home and make him think of other things.

Silently she hoped that sex wasn't destroyed by all of this nonsense either.

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"How did you talk her into it?" Burke asked quietly, leaning against the cold metal pole of the skywalk's guides. "How did you talk Meredith into wanting a family?"

Derek studied his friend with exaggerated pity, "Do you honestly think the same technique I used on Meredith would even begin to work on Cristina? Your wife is much more stubborn and strong willed than mine. Much more."

Burke shook his head and let out a sigh, "That she is."

Studying his friend closely, Derek thought long and hard what it would be like to see a man like Burke not have children, and how much it must kill him inside. He knew that Burke wanted a family, he knew that he'd wanted a family for a long time. He also knew that Burke was much too patient with Cristina. Or at least he thought so. "Tell her how long you've wanted this, Burke. You two have never been the couple to hold back from a fight."

A smirk formed across his lips, "That's for sure."

"I'm serious, though. Talk to her. You've been wanting kids forever, and I know that you were just trying to let her finish her residency, and now you're just trying to let her get settled into her fellowship, but you two aren't going to be young forever. And you certainly can't have children when you're 90."

Cristina approached the two of them cautiously, selectively listening to anything but them. If she didn't hear Burke talk about wanting a baby, she wouldn't have to address the issue. Coming to his side, she slid her hand softly up his arm, "Hey, McDreamy. Your wife wants you. Y'know. The one that just pushed the baby out of her vagina."

"Cristina." Burke chided her lightly, his arm snaking around her shoulders, his mind racing with a million things that he wanted to say, and the question weighing heavily on his heart if he should say those things.

Derek shook his head and left the two of them and headed back towards Meredith's room, pausing to look at the two of them for a moment before pulling open the door. They were happy together, but there was so much missing in the picture at the same time.

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The ride home was silent except for wandering soft touches and whispered plans for their arrival at the apartment. At least for a few minutes, the thought of a baby had been dropped from both of their minds in lieu of much more entertaining and pleasing pastimes.

After painfully teasing each other up the sidewalk and stairwell towards their apartment, Burke pressed her against the door of their home, kissing her deeply as he slid the key into the door and pushed it open.

She pressed her lips against his harder as she felt him struggle with the door and she couldn't help but smile as he finally got it shut and pressed her to the back of the door, "Problems?"

"Deja vu." He grinned as he bent to trail his lips over the soft skin of her neck and shoulder.

Cristina grinned against the hot skin of Burke's neck as he pressed her against the inside of their apartment door, kissing hungrily at her neck as his adept fingers unbuttoned the small buttons down the front of her shirt and she ran her fingers lightly over the back of his neck, "Burke.." She mumbled quietly, "Don't you think we should at least make it to the bedroom."

He laughed as he lifted her against the door, pressing his hips against hers, "We'll get there. Eventually." He assured her as his lips pressed against hers once more.

"We only have all night." She uttered in agreement as she felt his hand slide down to cup her bottom in his hands.

In the years that they had been married one thing that had only gotten better for them was the sex and they always left work, one craving the other. They'd turned it into a game while they were at work, always maintaining a professional distance and reserving their 'bedroom olympics' as Cristina fondly called it, for home.

The game at work however, was a completely different story. Sometimes it would be innocent glances over surgical masks in the OR. Sometimes it was Cristina sending suggestive text pages to Burke's pager, quickly followed by a suggestive sticky note taped inside her drawer in the fellow's office.

Sometimes Cristina was bold enough to walk past him in the hallway or in the nurse's station and lightly brush her hand against him, her body shielding her action from anybody's view before moving on without so much as a single glimpse back.

Indeed, marriage had only brought more joy to both of their lives in many different aspects and Cristina never regretted her decision of saying 'I do' whenever her mother and his mother tricked her into that god awful white dress and mosquito net ceremony.

As the two of them collapsed on the bed exhausted, Burke pulled Cristina into his arms, kissing her shoulder softly. He cherished the way that she fit so perfectly against him, how every curve of her body seemed to complement his and they just fit together. Two parts made whole.

In the same instant, there was something missing. He used to feel 100 complete with Cristina in his arms, but as their marriage flourished, he began to want more, and for two years he'd been battling this feeling of 'something's missing'.

He felt they were incomplete.

Burke brushed his lips softly over her shoulder, then up her neck, then finally to her ear and he closed his eyes, hoping that he wouldn't get the reaction he was expecting. In a voice no more than a hoarse whisper, he finally forced the words out that had been playing on his mind for years. "I want a baby, Cristina."


	2. Chapter 2

Cristina shuffled across the cold floor into the kitchen, her body still worn out from the previous night and she grasped blindly at her coffee cup as she glanced at Burke sitting at the table eating breakfast. Her plate was there, as usual waiting for her and he was there, as usual, reading the paper, but something seemed different.

"Good morning." She mumbled, pouring her coffee.

He said nothing as he turned the page of the local news section and stabbed at his eggs.

Sinking into the chair next to him she sat down her coffee, and placed her hand over his, "Hey. I said good morning. What's wrong with you."

"You didn't answer me last night." He mumbled, trying to act disinterested as he pulled his hand away.

"You didn't say anything last night." She shot back, lying through her teeth. A long time ago she had discovered that whenever he said something she didn't want to respond to as they were falling asleep, that she was pretty good at feigning sleep so she wouldn't have to reply.

And he was pretty good at dropping it at that point.

"Cristina, you and I both know you weren't asleep."

She slid a glance at him, "Yes I was."

"Sleeping people don't tense up in your arms whenever they hear the word baby. Nor do they hold their breath."

Cristina sipped at her coffee then finally looked back up to him, pulling the paper away from him and grasping his hand with hers, "I don't want a baby."

Burke clenched his jaw as he looked back up to study her once more, "You won't even give it consideration. You don't want it, so that automatically ends the idea? That is not how this works, Cristina."

She pulled her hand away and returned to focusing on her coffee and breakfast trying to do mental gymnastics in an effort to devise a plan to work her way out of this, "Fine. Say what you want. I'll listen. I'm listening."

"You're not listening, and I'm not speaking until you're willing to listen." He pushed himself up from the table and rinsed off his dishes in the sink.

Cristina watched sourly as he grabbed his keys and pulled the door open to the apartment without waiting for her. So much for their morning ride together. "What? You make me say it, but you're exempt whenever you're angry?"

Wordlessly he pulled the door shut, his heart aching and his mind searing with anger all at the same time.

"Love you too!" She yelled sarcastically at the closed door and pushed away the breakfast that he'd made, tipping over her coffee and sending it splattering over the newspaper. "Dammit." She muttered.

Cristina could see it was going to be a bad day.

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"You were acting like you were asleep?" Meredith laughed, "How stupid are you?"

"I blame this on you for having to procreate. Weren't you just happy having sex and taking bubble baths or whatever it is that you people do? Why did you have to go and implant these dumb ideas into Burke's head about a family?" Cristina muttered, "I hate you."

"No you don't."

Cristina looked on as the nurse deposited a crying little girl into Meredith's arms and she closed her eyes, the crying grating on her very last nerve, "I am not cut out to deal with a child, Meredith. I can't take yours crying and she's not even 24 hours old. I'd turn into one of those women on the news that's going to jail for a very long time for doing something insane like putting a steak in it's mouth and throwing it in the closet."

"At least you'd feed it first. That's a start." Meredith teased her as she slid the bottle into her daughters mouth.

Burke cleared his throat from the doorway and Cristina glanced over at him and back at Meredith, then to the wall.

"Dr. Burke, how are you this morning?" Meredith smiled setting up just a little bit, the baby tucked safely in her arms.

"I'm doing well this morning, Grey. How is the baby?" He asked coming to her side to glance at the eating newborn, "She really does look a great deal like Shepherd."

Cristina pushed herself up from the bed, and brushed against Burke as she swept away from the two of them, "Meredith, I have a CABG to do. I'll talk to you later."

Burke ignored the physical contact that she tried to initiate and settled in the spot that she'd vacated looking at Meredith, "Tell me how to decipher my wife, Grey."

Meredith chuckled, "Do you honestly think I have her figured out?"

"Moreso than I do. At least sometimes I think so." He shrugged as he watched the baby in her arms.

Sensing his longing, Meredith leaned forward, pushing her newborn daughter into his arms, "Here, you need practice and I can't hold her and think at the same time." She paused for a moment, " Okay, that didn't sound good, just take her."

Before he had a chance to protest, there was a small life lying in his arms and he couldn't help but smile as he ran a finger over the bottom of the bottle, "She really is beautiful." He mumbled, studying the tiny features trying to imagine exactly what his own child would look like.

Meredith was silent for a few moments, watching Burke and seeing the longing in his eyes, only made her think harder about exactly how she could help him at least get Cristina to talk and finally she grinned from ear to ear, "I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier." She spoke outloud to herself.

"Thought of what, Grey?"

"You have to make it a competition for her. Tell her that she can't handle being a mother and a CT fellow and a wife, daunt her with it. She'll never be able to say no."

"Cristina is smarter than that." Burke chuckled, "She's too smart for that."

"She's also way more competitive than she is smart. She'll back down at first, you just have to keep it up. She'll totally fall for it."

"But I want her to want this as badly as I do." He shook his head, sliding the little girl back into her mother's arms and standing, "I can't make her want a baby."

"Just try this for me. More importantly for you." Meredith pressed, "She'll want it."

He nodded, words already formulating in his head that he could use to convince her that she couldn't do motherhood, "I'll give it a try. Thank you, Grey. For listening. That's more than what I can get her to do right now."

"She'll come around, Burke. She always does." Meredith smiled, turning her attention back to her daughter, "And your children will be gorgeous."

Burke walked away from the room with a purpose in his mind of exactly what he could do and the examples he could use and the words he could say. He could make her want a family, even if it was manipulating her competitive drive to trick her into actually thinking about it.

For a moment, he might've thought it was a little wrong to trick her into wanting a baby like this, but he knew that her competitive drive and her stubborn soul would never let her open her mind to the idea of motherhood without at least a little bit of trickery.

He knew he had his work set out for him, but he also felt for the first time hope that he may be able to have a family.


	3. Chapter 3

He grinned as he reached across Cristina at the scrub sink, the side of his hand lightly brushing over her chest as he pulled a chlorhexidine packet from a box to scrub and then pulled back, brushing against her again.

"I thought you weren't speaking to me." She muttered, scrubbing harder at her hands with the brush.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown you off like that this morning, I was just frustrated." He replied in an even tone, his perfectly formed plan ready to take action, "I can understand you not wanting to have a baby. You'd never be able to keep up with me, and your fellowship and this incredible surgery schedule you've booked for yourself."

"I could too." She snapped, then caught herself, "I can already see what you're trying to do, and it isn't going to work."

Burke shrugged, "Dr. Yang, I have no idea as to what you're talking about."

She made a face and dumped the scrub brush into the receptacle next to the sink and raised her hands in front of her, "You can't trick me into having a baby. I'm not interested. I have too much to do right now, and I'd make a horrible mother. Go buy a cat or something."

"I know you have too much to do right now. Isn't that what I just said?" He continued with the façade, already seeing Meredith's idea helping his argument. She was actually talking about it which is a hell of a lot more than what she was doing this morning or last night.

"A cat won't call me daddy or carry on the family name." He protested as she backed into the OR.

"I don't care." She hissed at him before disappearing into the OR. She was met with a blue towel and she dried her hands, watching him closely through the window and she shook her head at him. Seeing the disappointment in his eyes she glanced at the nearest circulating nurse and let out a long sigh, "Bump into me."

The nurse widened her eyes in fear. Cristina Yang was known for having a temper in the OR, "I-I-I'm sorry, Dr. Yang?" She stammered.

"Bump into me." She repeated evenly, "I'm not going to be upset with you, I just need you to bump into me so that I can go scrub again."

She couldn't hold back a grin as she watched the nurse's forced and spastic movements as she brushed against her freshly scrubbed hands and then turned to face her with very real surprise and fear, "Dr. Yang, I'm so sorry."

Cristina didn't raise her voice, but moved her hands in an exaggerated motion, "I want you to act like I'm yelling at you and act very upset. But you're fine. I asked you to do something and you did it. Thank you."

The nurse shook her head, real tears forming in the corner of her eyes half from fear and half from joy. That was probably the nicest thing that Dr. Yang had said to any of the scrub nurses and she walked away at a quick pace, excited to tell Debbie what she'd just done.

Pushing back into the scrub room Cristina sighed, "Stupid nurses don't understand the techniques of sterility for their life." She muttered as she brushed against Burke's arm to grab a scrub packet from in front of him.

He was silent as she brushed against him and he glanced over at her, "You need to be nicer to the nurses." He told her quietly as he scrubbed his hands.

She sensed the sadness in his voice as she began to scrub again and she pressed her lips together, "I care. That you care or whatever. I just don't want to have a baby, Burke. I know that you don't get that, and that it disappoints you. But I care."

Burke glanced over at her, silently wishing that he could pull her closer, "Cristina, I want a baby. I think you'd make a wonderful mother. We don't need to have a whole pack like Stevens and her husband did. We don't even need more than one, but I want to feel whole."

Cristina glanced up at him as he finished scrubbing and she studied him carefully with curious eyes, "You want to feel whole?"

His voice was quiet and subdued, "Cristina, I've wanted a baby for two years now. I've wanted to be a daddy and to create a life with you. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I need more purpose than being a surgeon."

She felt his words tug at her heart as only he could and she shook her head, "Burke, I want to make you happy, and I've done a lot of things to make you happy. Having a baby is not something I'm willing to do to make you happy, though. Do you honestly want me to placate you by having a baby? Because I remember a few years ago you telling me that you didn't want to be placated with marriage."

He winced as she used his own words against him, "You're right." He finally responded after a long pause, unsure of what else he could say or do. "I understand. You don't have time."

"I don't have time."

"You're a busy fellow with an incredible amount of surgeries scheduled and not enough hours in the day to do them." He continued.

"I am."

"And you just can't do it." He grinned as he backed into the OR.

She watched him through narrowed eyes as he disappeared into his OR and shook her head, "Ass." She muttered to herself as she finished scrubbing and backed into her own OR to be met with a blue towel again by Debbie.

"Using my scrub nurses to get more personal time with your husband, Dr. Yang?" Debbie sneered at her.

"Oh shut it, Nurse Ratchet. If you'd train your nurses the principles of sterile technique I would've been able to start my surgery five minutes ago."

Cristina glanced through the door in the scrub room into his OR and saw him prepping for his own surgery and felt a twinge of guilt for blowing him off so quickly then brushed it off.

At the hospital she was a surgeon first. She could be his wife and worry about his feelings later.


	4. Chapter 4

Cristina let out a long sigh as she settled into her chair in front of the computer to type her postoperative note, but she couldn't get her brain to focus. This baby crap hadn't even ensued for 24 hours yet and already it was consuming her thoughts.

She was an intelligent woman, a fierce competitor and a star surgeon at Seattle Grace, but sometimes she couldn't even figure out her own husband. Not that it hadn't been a common occurrence in their relationship, even in the beginning she didn't know what the hell she was doing… but now he'd really thrown her a curve ball.

She tried to focus on the task at hand, mindlessly typing words about blood loss and the technique she used to harvest the vessel, and luckily her fingers carried her the rest of the way through the report and she reached forward to click off the computer when she was done.

A loud laugh in the hallway drew her attention to Bailey coming down the hall with Burke and Tucker running at their sides and she smiled just a little. She couldn't believe that he was 6 years old.

Time had gone by so quickly.

They paused at the nurse's station where Cristina set and Burke knelt next to him with a grin on his face, "You're getting so big. What are you, like, 12 feet tall now?"

Tucker giggled again, "No, Dr. B. I'm 44 feet tall."

"44 inches, Tucker." Bailey shook her head with a smile and patted the top of her son's head.

"Right. What mom said."

Burke raised his hand high in the air to where he knew that Tucker wouldn't be able to reach it, "Gimme five, T."

Tucker jumped over and over again, trying to reach his hand, giggling louder with every attempt and Cristina couldn't help but let a smile play across her lips, lightening her soured expression just a little bit as Burke finally brought his hand down to where he could reach.

"I've got to get him to soccer practice. He's the best on his team, y'know." Bailey grinned, "You fools stay out of trouble."

"As always, Dr. Bailey." Burke grinned and watched as the two of them walked away.

Cristina rose from her seat, stretching slightly, "Dr. Burke." She spoke quietly, watching as Bailey and Tucker walked away.

"Dr. Burke." His eyes lit up with a mischief that she recognized all too well.

There were few times that she'd let him get away with calling her Dr. Burke, though she'd never officially changed her name, it was yet another one of the games that they played. She nudged him lightly as she brushed past him, "Shut it." She mumbled playfully.

"Where are you going?" He asked, following her down the hall at a safe distance.

"I just finished a CABG an hour ago. It's a customary tradition in medicine to go check on your patient before you leave for the evening, Dr. Burke." She rolled her eyes, feeling him step closer.

"So you're heading home after this?"

"Is there somewhere else that I'm supposed to go?" She stopped to face him, "Because that's typically what I do at the end of the day is go home."

Burke watched her closely, searching her face for her true mood at that moment in time and decided it was annoyance, mixed with confusion and playfulness. He'd gotten pretty good at reading her over the years, but there were still the times that she caught him off course.

"Are you going to stare at me all day, Dr. Burke, or is there something you need to say?" She shook her head, her own eyes lighting up as his gaze caught hers.

"I was just thinking that typically when we have something to talk about that you end up going to Meredith or Joe's first. So I wasn't sure where to find you after your shift had ended." He smirked.

"I'm coming home. Now let me check on my patient. And there's nothing to talk about. I thought we'd settled it or whatever." She continued down the hallway, her nerves shot by the fact that he was still pushing the issue.

"I definitely wouldn't call our talk earlier a resolution. There were no decisions made."

"Do we have to make a decision now?" She stopped again, "I mean seriously, is this something that if we don't do it right this second my fallopian tube and uterus will necrotize and we'll never have children?"

"If this is something that we don't do?" He repeated slowly, "Does that mean that you're actually considering it, Dr. Yang?"

"No. I'm not." She sighed, "Dr. Burke." She walked away from him without another word, cursing herself for not choosing her words more carefully.

"Dr. Burke." He grinned once again, trying to get a rise out of her once more, a sparkle of hope glimmering in his eyes as he watched her glare at him from afar before proceeding to the stairwell to check on her patient.

She continued towards her patient with her face growing warm as she realized that Bailey had been standing just a few feet away from them whenever he called her Dr. Burke and she shook her head, "He's a real piece of work today, I'm sorry." She mumbled quietly.

"You look more pinched than usual, Yang." Bailey observed dryly as she stepped onto the elevator with her, "What's got your panties in a bind?"

"Children. Children have my 'panties in a bind'." She muttered then glanced down at Tucker, "Not you."

"Oh, he wants one of these does he?" Bailey smirked, "That's called life, Yang. You grow up, get a job, get married and have children. That's how normal people do it anyway."

"Not surgeons."

"And what am I?" She sputtered, bringing her hands to her hips, "Do I not have MD after my name?"

Cristina closed her eyes, once again angry with herself for not thinking before speaking, "That's not what I meant, Dr. Bailey."

"It's exactly what you meant, Yang. You'd be better off without children, anyway. They choose your nursing home when you grow old and I have a feeling yours would put you in the most unsavory of them all." Bailey muttered stepping off an elevator.

"Mommy, what's a nursing home?" Tucker asked quietly, grasping her hands.

"It's where mommies and daddies go when they get old and nice nurses help them clean their room and cook their food."

Cristina snorted at the phrase nice nurses and Bailey turned around to shoot her a look, "You should be glad you're picking out your own. You're going to have to retire in a state where none of the nurses know you."

"Dr. Bailey, you know that I'll never retire, so nursing facilities are not something I'll have to worry about." Cristina shot back quietly as she turned to walk away from her.

"Tucker, why don't you go get in line at the cart, I'll buy you a cookie." She looked down at her son and watched with a smile as he ran off then stalked towards Cristina. "Yang, one of these days, you're going to learn that there's more to life then surgery and sex. And if you don't realize it sooner rather than later, you're going to be a miserable old woman. "

"Dr. Bailey?" Cristina was caught off guard and then silently began to wonder if Burke had said something to her.

"I know that the idea of having a child is something you don't even want to consider, but maybe you need to quit being so damn selfish. Do you even see the way that your husband lights up with he plays with Tucker? When he sees another staff member with a child? Are you really going to deny him that joy? Because if you are, you're a damn fool."

Cristina shifted her eyes nervously and then finally let out a long sigh, "I can't be a surgeon and a mother. I won't be a surgeon and a mother. Being a wife is enough for me."

"It's not enough for Dr. Burke." She retorted, "And one of these days, you're going to figure that out." Bailey walked away without another word, leaving Cristina to mentally kick herself some more.

It had definitely not been a good day.


	5. Chapter 5

Burke looked up to Cristina with a soft smile playing on his lips as she crawled into the bed next to him and he sat down his book, "It took you a little bit longer to come home than I thought it would." He mumbled quietly.

"I had to stop and make sure that my mother's hotel room was reserved. She's flying in tomorrow for the weekend, remember?" She muttered, laying her head against his chest.

Running his fingers through his hair he smiled, "How can I forget? I love when Helen visits. She's not that bad, Cristina."

"You didn't grow up with her."

He brushed his lips over her forehead softly, "You got nine good years with your dad."

Cristina tensed in his arms a little and closed her eyes, "It wasn't enough." She finally replied bitterly.

Pulling her tighter against him he laid the book on the bedside stand and reached up to flip off the light, "You have a chance to make the childhood that you want for our children Cristina. Won't you at least think about this?"

"Burke, there's nothing to think about. I wouldn't make a good mother. I wouldn't be able to give enough time to a child. Wanting a child just to want one is selfish. We're surgeons. We'd have to hire a nanny who would essentially raise our child."

"Neither one of us have to work as much as we do. And your fellowship is only three years, Cristina. You'd have more than enough time for a child after that." He tried to push the issue further.

"I don't want this, Burke. Can't you just accept that?"

"And I do." He protested, his group loosening on her a little bit.

Cristina pressed her lips together trying to find the words to win this argument, fighting for something that would make it end and every time she came up with nothing. "I have to go to sleep. I have to pick my mother up early."

"Then you can listen to me while you fall asleep." He mumbled through the darkness, his hand still snaking through her wild curls.

"Fine. I'll listen. It doesn't mean you're getting anywhere." She muttered as she closed her eyes.

Burke clenched his jaw for a moment, put off by her stubbornness, then relaxed. He would win this battle, he would make her want kids. "I know that it would be hard for you to be pregnant and working for nine months. But I would take care of you, I'd cook you dinner every night."

"You already cook me dinner every night." She interrupted.

"You're listening." He reminded her quietly, "I would be there for every appointment, every ultrasound, every blood test. We'd go to the classes together, and you wouldn't go through it alone. At night, we could lay in bed, and I would talk to our child, and put earphones against your stomach and let our baby listen to Eugene Foote."

Cristina heard the wistfulness in his voice and it tore at her heart to keep denying him this elaborate fantasy that he'd woven for himself, but she couldn't bring herself to say yes to him.

"And whenever our baby was finally here, we'd argue over the name for a while and then settle on something simple, but classic. He…or she, would go to the best school and be the brightest student. He'd play trumpet, of course and go on to college to overachieve in everything just like his mother, and become a second generation cardiothoracic surgeon, following in his parent's footsteps."

"She."

Burke grinned through the dark, "Well, if it was a she, she would have to dance like her mother. Graceful and elegant, and we'd never force her to stay in it longer than she wanted to."

"I'm neither graceful nor elegant. And I hated ballet."

"Liar." He brushed a kiss against her forehead again, "That's why you dance around the apartment every morning when you're getting ready."

"We'd have to give up the apartment." Cristina sighed, "I don't want to give up the apartment."

"It's just an apartment, Cristina. We could buy a house outside of the city. It's a longer commute, but we could have a bigger space. And we could have your mother decorate it." He teased lightly.

"Hell no." She shook her head, "That would involve her being her for a prolonged period of time and I can only handle her in small doses."

"We could give this child a good life, Cristina. Won't you at least give it a chance? Isn't there something in you that wants to be a mother? That wants to be more than just a surgeon."

"There is. There's something in me that wants to be your wife. And I listened to her. You should be happy."

"I am happy." He assured her.

"It doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds to me like you need more. I give a little and you want more. You wanted me to move in, you wanted me to get rid of my apartment, you wanted me to marry you. Now you want a kid." She rambled on.

"Cristina." He started.

"No, It's my turn to talk." She halted him, "So what happens when we have this kid, and something happens to you? What happens whenever we have this little boy or little girl and then all the sudden you're not there anymore, then what? I've got this kid that I could completely ruin and make them need therapy for the rest of their life. I'm not going to do this, Burke. I'm not."

He swallowed a lump in his throat, for the first time he felt like he could really understand exactly why she didn't want a child, "I would never leave you. Or our child. Ever."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She mumbled and looked over to the clock, "I have to go to sleep."

Burke nodded through the dark, his arm coming to rest around her waist as he closed is eye and let out a long exhale, knowing that there may not be a way for him to get her to give in to this dream. She was right. He couldn't promise that something wouldn't happen to him, and he wouldn't want their own child to experience what she experienced.

Perhaps some dreams were never meant to be.


	6. Chapter 6

Helen Rubenstein narrowed her eyes at her daughter as she pulled her suitcase over the large hump of the entrance of the airport. She narrowed her eyes as Cristina pulled up in front of her and stumbled towards the car, "You couldn't even park the car to meet your own mother at the gate of the airport."

Cristina pushed her sunglasses back over her messy curls and rolled her eyes, "I couldn't bring myself to pay six dollars to park and meet my mother at the gate."

Helen shook her head as Cristina took the bag from her hands, muttering things about her miserable daughter and how Preston always met his mother at the gate.

Cristina sunk back into the driver's seat and slammed the door, "How was your flight?" She asked in a flat tone, trying to pretend that she even cared.

"It was turbulent and crowded." Helen sighed dramatically, "I had hoped that Preston would be here as well. Where is he? At least he's always happy to see me."

"Burke is on call today. He won't be home until later this afternoon."

"Unfortunately for you." Helen added with a disgruntled frown. "You don't have your husband to save you from talking to me."

Pulling onto the highway Cristina exhaled softly as she fought for something to say that wasn't going to start yet another fight, "Burke doesn't need to save me from anything." She finally mumbled.

"Yet he always does."

"Not always." Cristina snapped, the tension in her body already rising.

Dealing with her mother alone had become something she rarely had to do. Typically whenever her mother would come to visit she would follow Burke around, batting her eyes and discussing Saul and his practice like Burke cared. Cristina would just sit back in misery and listen to the two of them go on like they were actually family or something.

And now he was on call.

Damn him.

As they pulled into the driveway of the apartment complex, Helen shook her head in disgust, "Cristina, when are you going to find a better place to live? This is no place to raise children."

"Dammit." Cristina muttered under her breath as she started up the walkway without her mother, then turned to face her, "What? Did he call you or something?"

A grin spread across Helen's face, "You're pregnant??" Her voice had an undeniable and uncharacteristic excitement in it that Cristina recognized as pride.

The only other time she'd heard it in her life is when she got first place in some sort of competition.

"No. I'm not pregnant." She sighed and continued onward towards the door.

"Then why would Preston call me?" Helen continued, shuffling to catch up with Cristina, "He wouldn't call me about children unless you were pregnant."

Cristina pulled open the door and allowed her mother inside and followed her, "It's nothing. Forget I said anything."

Helen studied Cristina closely as they stood waiting for the elevator and a smirk turned up the corner of her lips, "He wants a baby."

"I didn't say that."

"You don't have to, Cristina. You're my daughter. I can read you like an open book." Helen continued, "I figured it would only be a matter of time before Preston realized that there's more to life than surgery. I only wonder if he'll be able to teach you the same."

Cristina pushed open the door to the apartment silently. After her mother was in she closed the door hard and moved across the living room and flopped on the couch. She flipped through a medical journal quietly, hoping to lose herself in surgical techniques and disease processes rather than listen to her mother ramble.

She was beginning to feel as if the whole world had some sort of introspection as to what was going on in her marriage right now and she didn't like it. Bailey had brought it up, Meredith was pushing the issue, and now her mother.

Couldn't anybody understand that she just didn't want to be a mother? That she wasn't cut out for the job?

"What's so wrong with having children, Cristina?" Her mother sat beside her on the couch and pulled the journal from her hand and set it aside. "Preston would make a wonderful father. And Saul and I would enjoy having grandchildren. You could send them to us over the summer for a week or two."

"I would do no such thing."

"And why not? Would I not be allowed to see my grandchildren outside of your supervision? Do you doubt me that much?"

"I wouldn't put my children on a plane alone." Cristina argued, "Nor would I want to spend another day of my life in Beverly Hills surrounded by superficiality and tree hugging hippies."

"You used to fly by yourself all the time." Helen pointed out quietly.

Cristina opened her mouth to protest and stopped, shaking her head. "We're arguing about grandchildren that you're never going to have."

"Why don't you want to be a mother Cristina? Is it because you love your career that much? Or is it because that you're afraid that you'll turn out to be a mother just like your own?"

Looking away from her mother, Cristina ran a finger errantly over the hem of her shirt. "I don't have to explain my reasoning to you or anybody else for that matter. I will not have a baby." If she were to be truthful, she wasn't sure what her answer was.

Maybe it was that she was afraid of becoming her mother, a woman driven so much by success that she'd forget to tell her daughter that she was worth it even if she only got second place. Perhaps it was the innate fear that if she had a child that something would happen to Burke and that child would grow up fatherless.

There wasn't a doubt in her mind that she could be a mother and a surgeon. Cristina was capable of anything and everything as long as she wanted it.

She just didn't want a child.


	7. Chapter 7

Helen grinned across the counter at Burke as he made dinner for two of his three favorite women, "My daughter is so lucky to have married such a wonderful and handsome man."

Burke chuckled at Helen and offered her a freshly sliced pepper, "I'm lucky to have met your beautiful daughter and I'm even luckier that you assisted in plotting our marriage."

"Preston, you're too kind." She waved away the pepper, "I only wish that I could help you devise a plan to make her want a child as badly as you do."

He froze for a minute and cleared his throat before sliding the peppers into a pan of hot oil, "Did Cristina tell you that I wanted a baby?"

Helen watched him closely as he turned to wash his hand and shook her head, "No. It's written all over her face and laden in her words. I've never seen her so flustered."

"It was not my intention to do that to her, Helen. I'm sorry if it makes for a tense visit."

"Nonsense, Preston. She needs to realize that she's being selfish. Cristina is only afraid that she'll turn out like her own mother. Despite my best efforts, she considers me to be a failure as a mother and she's not going to take that chance with her own child."

Burke stepped around the counter, leaning on the edge of it, "Did she tell you that?"

"She doesn't need to. I know how my own daughter feels about me."

Leaning into his mother, a smile spread across his lips, "Cristina doesn't let on everything that she feels and you and I both know that. What we both also know is that she's an excellent surgeon and a good person. She's stubborn, but good. You raised her, Helen, and you did a good job."

She laid her hand against Burke's arm and smiled, "I wish that Cristina would realize that she could do the same, not only for your sake but for your mother's and mine. We want grandchildren, Preston just as badly as you want a child."

"My mama doesn't expect to ever get the phone call from me that we're expecting. She knows Cristina too well." He shrugged as he moved his attention back to the food on the stove.

"Nobody knows Cristina well enough to know what she's going to do." Helen smirked, "Just when you think you have her figured out she does something so extreme, so unheard of, that you have to reevaluate what you think you know."

Burke couldn't help but laugh at the statement, the words from Helen's mouth validating what he had figured all along.

Cristina would always keep him guessing.

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Helen remained uncharacteristically silent during dinner as she watched Burke and Cristina discuss the surgery she was called in for. The conversation transitioned to some sort of technique or method for harvesting a vein, quickly followed by a promise of a lesson in the Turner method and Helen cleared her throat.

Cristina looked up, shooting a glance at her mother, "Is something wrong?"

"Why don't you talk about something other than surgery? There is more to life than surgery."

Dropping her fork to her plate with a loud clang, Cristina leaned back in her chair with a challenging expression on her face, "Fine mother, what is it that you'd like to talk about?"

Burke slid a glance to Cristina and made a face, wordlessly attempting to calm her down. It was to no avail.

"Why don't we talk about children?" Helen replied, her expression as equally as smug as Cristina's.

"Why don't you let Burke fight his own battles?" She shot back.

"For the record, I have nothing to do with this conversation, Cristina." He interjected, "And you need to be nicer to your mother."

"Thanks, baby. Thanks a lot. Y'know. For siding with me." She pushed herself up from the table, "Why don't I let you two talk and figure out plans for my future? You did a good job of it with the wedding."

Helen shook her head as Cristina walked away and glanced apologetically at Burke, "I'm sorry that my daughter is so miserable tonight. You would think that since she got to scrub in on such a great surgery that she'd be in a better mood."

Burke watched Cristina silently from the kitchen table for a few moments then he turned his attention back to Helen and their abandoned dinner, "Its fine, Helen."

"It is not."

"Really mother, its fine. I think you've done enough." Cristina snapped from her spot on the couch, "I think you've done more than enough."

"That's the opposite of the problem, Cristina." Helen replied, standing from her position at the table.

"What?"

"You don't think I've done enough. That's what the problem is."

Cristina set her medical journal down exasperated and focused her attention on her mother, "Can you quit talking in circles and just tell me what the hell you mean?"

Burke could help but appreciate the irony of Cristina telling her own mother to quit talking in circles and for a fleeting moment he wondered if Cristina realized that she did the very same thing.

Helen glanced towards her son-in-law and then back to her own daughter, his words earlier at the forefront of her mind, "I may not have been the best mother in your eyes. Perhaps there were things that I should've done differently, and things that I might do differently if given the chance, but I did the best that I could, Cristina. I gave you everything I've ever had, and you never gave an inch. I know that you think that I'm your pestering mother who has nothing better to do than decorate houses and upholster chairs, but that's because I've finished raising you."

Cristina sat up straighter, letting out a long exhale as she studied her mother. There were no words for her to say, so she gave just the slightest nod, letting her finish getting the words out.

"I might not have done the best job, but I did raise you to be a good person. Despite the fact that you lost your father and that you grew up unhappy, I raised you to be a smart and self-sufficient woman. You can choose to believe that you chose your path and that you're the person you are because I messed up so badly. What I choose to believe that you're the person that you are because I raised you to be that person."

"Mother…" Cristina spoke, her voice soft. She was fighting to find the words that would soothe her mother back into a state of misery that Cristina seemed to perpetuate nicely.

"You are the best thing that I've ever done. You gave me purpose. And the daughter I raised would know that her own husband, who is more patient with his wife than he should be, wants that same purpose and respect that."

Cristina let out a long sigh and rose from the couch. She knew that her mother was right, but she wasn't going to give her the pleasure of knowing it. Silently, she crossed back to her seat at the dinner table and sat down, "Can we finish eating?"


	8. Chapter 8

Cristina rummaged around the bureau for her keys quietly. She hadn't felt quite the same since her mother's speech the previous night, but she wasn't sure exactly what had changed within her. "Dammit." She muttered, pulling open the drawers.

"Such language." Helen sighed as she watched Cristina rummage around the counter.

"Mother."

"You should hear her whenever her interns mess up. She tends to sound like a sailor." Burke grinned as he pressed the keys into her hands.

"Preston, why aren't you coming to the airport with us? It would be nice to have somebody who cared send me off. Cristina will just drop me at the front door and drive away as soon as the suitcase is out of her trunk."

"I would love to come, Helen, but I have patients to see at the hospital this morning that cannot wait."

Cristina glanced up at the two of them and rolled her eyes, "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Is she always this grumpy in the mornings, Preston?" Helen continued, picking up her bag.

"As long as her coffee is ready in the morning, she's not typically as grumpy. But there are mornings when I wondered if I'd be better off letting her miss her early morning surgery rather than wake her up."

"I wouldn't let her miss a surgery. I think the consequences would be much greater if you let her sleep through a surgery."

Burke grinned, "You'd be minus a son-in-law."

Cristina brushed past him and wordlessly took the suitcase from her mother, "Don't worry, I'd make it a nice funeral."

"Cristina, that is not how you speak to your husband." Helen narrowed her eyes, "It's a wonder that he's stuck around this long."

"Don't worry, Helen. She's tried to run me off for years now. I'm like something sticky that won't blow off. I think that's what she calls it anyway. Is that right, Cristina?"

"I'm leaving now. If you intend to go home mother, you need to leave with me." Cristina pulled open the door, clearly annoyed.

"You have my pager number if she tries to drop you at the roadside, Helen." He knew he was pressing his luck, but he couldn't resist.

"Of course, Preston." Helen reached up to hug her son-in-law, "At least I got something halfway decent out of my daughter. Perhaps one day she'll give me a grandchild and I can say I got two decent things out of her."

"Perhaps."

Cristina pulled the door closed without waiting for her mother and silently thanked the cosmos for her mother only being there for a weekend. She didn't think she could handle much more.

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The ride to the airport was mostly silent for Cristina and Helen. Cristina glanced over at her mother every once in a while, wondering what was going through the woman's head. She wanted to say something, but she felt as if there was nothing to be said.

She knew that her mother wanted a grandchild. Part of her wondered if the only reason her mother made the speech that she had the previous day was because she was trying to manipulate her into giving her that grandchild.

There were moments in her life that Cristina actually preferred Jane over Helen. Jane would simply tell her that she wanted a grandchild and if Cristina didn't deliver that she was selfish. Her mother danced around the topic.

It was in that moment that Cristina realized that she had one of her mother's most irritating traits and she groaned out loud as she pulled into the parking garage of the airport.

Helen looked intently at Cristina as she pulled into a parking spot. She was surprised that she was parking to take her in. This was the daughter who couldn't meet her at the gate two days ago. The older woman smiled to herself as she realized that her words had gotten through to her daughter.

It would only be a short time now before she'd get that phone call saying that Cristina was pregnant.

The two women continued on in silence through the baggage check and then to the gate. Turning to face her daughter Helen looked at her carefully, but said nothing.

"Did I ever disappoint you?" Cristina finally asked quietly.

"Yes."

Cristina let out a long sigh, nodding gently as she took in her mother's words. "Was it worth it?"

Helen let a small smile play against her thin lips, "Most definitely." With that, Helen walked away. There was nothing else to be said. Nobody would ever understand the conversation that the two of them had just shared with the exception of Cristina and Helen.

As she made her way back out the car, Cristina pondered exactly what disappointment would feel like on the maternal end of things. She cursed her mother and Burke for even making her wonder. She still wasn't 100 open to the idea of even thinking about a baby

But she was already thinking about it, wasn't she?

Cristina pulled open the door to her car and slid into the driver's seat with a long exhale. There wasn't a rule that said that just because she was thinking about a baby that she had to have one. Technically, nobody would even know that she was thinking about it. She didn't have to tell Burke that she'd think about it.

She couldn't bear to see the disappointment on his face if she told him that she was going to think about it and then turn around and tell him no.

Starting her car, Cristina smiled to herself. She could think about the baby thing and it would be her little secret. If she wanted one, Burke would find out.

And if she couldn't bring herself to become a mother, she'd buy him a cat.


	9. Chapter 9

Cristina's mother had been gone a week, but life felt like it was back to normal the moment she watched her walk away. Minus the fact that her person had a baby and minus the fact that her husband wanted one…that was definitely far from normal.

But unfortunately, it was a part of her reality now and she was going to have to deal with it.

Or so she thought.

She glanced up at her daunting and full surgery schedule and smiled proudly. No surgeon could juggle a surgery like her except for Burke, and he often did. It was another game they played while at work. And in true Cristina fashion, she couldn't decide which game she liked more, the surgery game or the sex game.

Burke slid up silently beside her and handed over a chest, "Cardiac autotransplantation." He offered quietly with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Clearing her throat she pulled the chart from his hands and flipped it open to find a yellow post it note on the chart. She reads it quietly and glances up at him, feeling the blood rush to her face, "Dr. Burke, you seemed to have left a note on this patient's chart."

"Did I? My mistake."

She pulled the note from the chart and glanced over her shoulder before scooting just a little bit closer to him and pushing it into the pocket of his lab coat, gently brushing against his leg as she did. "You really should be more careful with what you leave lying around on the patient's charts. "

"I'll keep that in mind, Dr. Yang."

Cristina's heart fluttered in her chest at his unspoken suggestion of dinner out at their favorite restaurant with her in his favorite dress and lingerie combined with the prospect of a humpty dumpty. This day was going to be perfection. "So, shall I cancel my surgeries, Dr. Burke, or will you be doing the humpty dumpty on your own?"

Burke hid the amusement at the radiant glow on her face. She was happiest when her life was a well balanced mix of sex and good surgery. He had to admit that he didn't mind it so much either, "I was hoping, Dr. Yang, that I might be able to borrow you and an intern for the surgery. As you know it's quite complicated, but this patient is very unstable."

"I guess that I can bump a couple of surgeries to assist. You really should look into finding a reliable assistant in the future though." Cristina mused out loud.

"I'm glad you can find it in your heart to bump your surgeries for me, Dr. Yang. I take solace in the fact, however, that even if you weren't willing to bump your surgeries that Richard was going to do it for me. He was going to take OR1 at 9." Burke couldn't hide a grin from ear to ear. She hated when he bumped her surgeries.

She turned to face him with cool eyes, "You were going to bump me again."

"I do have seniority, Dr. Yang." He replied evenly, with a hint of teasing in his tone.

"Of course you do, Dr. Burke." Her voice was bitter, yet playful at the same time. She walked past him, pressing the chart against his chest, "If you'll excuse me, I'll have to go tell my patients that they will not be having their surgery today because some cocky and egotistical cardiothoracic surgeon took it without asking first."

He smirked as she walked away, "The same could be said for me when I have to bump surgeries for you, Dr. Yang."

She paused to make a face at him before walking around the corner towards the stairwells. She definitely couldn't decide today which game she liked more.

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After surgery and a couple of well timed text pages – one suggesting lunch, one suggesting that they skip dinner and go straight home- Cristina settled into the cafeteria without Burke and she made the assumption that he was in surgery. Picking at the label on her water bottle, she glanced up at the time, waiting for Meredith to show.

She still wasn't back to work yet. Granted, it had only been a week and a half since she had her baby, but Cristina didn't get the point of taking a full six week maternity leave. She couldn't be off work for six weeks if she had this baby thing happen.

Burke would just have to accept that.

She added the maternity leave to her mental list of pros and cons that she'd been keeping. Her list of cons kept getting longer, while her list of pros continued to dwindle. She wondered to herself when she should give up on the part where she thought about it and just tell Burke that she couldn't do it.

Letting out a long sigh, she decided she'd give it a little bit more time before she told him. She wasn't ready to see that disappointment in his face.

Meredith sunk into the chair next to her, pulling her from her mental tug of war. "God, it feels so good to be back in the hospital."

"You've only been gone a week and a half." Cristina pointed out dryly, glancing at the infant in the stroller, "Technically, not even that when you consider your discharge date."

"Shut it, Yang. You know what I mean." She snapped, and then withdrew, "I'm sorry, I'm really cranky. It must be the hormones or whatever."

"Or it could be the baby or whatever." Cristina smirked, glancing over at her.

"Ava is an angel. She's just an angel that cries. A lot. And she does this thing where she wants to eat, and this thing where she poops every 20 minutes or something. If I hadn't gone to medical school I would swear that she had dumping syndrome." Meredith laid her head against the table.

"Tell me how you really feel."

"Fine. My boobs are sore, my episiotomy feels like it's on fire, I haven't slept in six days, I have a headache and I really miss surgery and sex."

Cristina tried to add more criteria to her mental list, but couldn't keep up with Meredith's complaints and decided that she was going to just think of Meredith as one big con. She doubted that she'd forget this conversation while staring into the face of Burke's disappointment.

"Where's McDreamy?"

"Probably with his man crush." Meredith shrugged. "He sleeps through everything, he's all bright and energetic and irritatingly happy."

"You sound like me. Motherhood has obviously done you some good." Cristina grinned, stabbing at her salad with a fork. "You were way too optimistic after you had her. I'm glad that you've been knocked down a few levels."

"You're such a good friend."

"Cristina is most definitely not a good friend." Burke teased. He bent to kiss Cristina softly on the forehead before seating himself in the chair opposite Meredith.

"Dr. Yang typically likes to find her prey's weakness and then tease them relentlessly, doesn't she?" Derek laughed, "At least the Dr. Yang I know."

"No, she's just making a mental list of every reason she doesn't want to have a child in this moment." Burke glanced at the baby, then at Cristina, "And I'm willing to bet the biggest thing on her list is the lack of surgery."

"Whereas I would vote it the lack of sleep." Meredith groaned as she laid her head against the table.

"Okay, can we quit talking about Dr. Yang like she's not sitting right here?" Cristina muttered, "And can we talk about something other than the prospect of children."

Before anybody could answer her question, Ava let out a long and shrill cry, startling Meredith, "Thanks, Cristina. You woke her up."

"How the hell did I wake her up? I wasn't even talking loudly."

"Maybe if I wait just a moment, she'll go back to sleep." Meredith groaned.

Derek glanced at Burke, whose eyes were fixated on the crying baby and he smiled warmly, "Preston, why don't you take her. She can't be hungry, she just ate. She probably just wants some attention." Without awaiting an answer he took the baby from the stroller and placed him into Burke's arms.

"Okay, you totally planned that." Cristina rolled her eyes as she watched Burke with the baby. Something in her heart tugged at her as he watched him shush the crying infant and she let a small smile play upon her lips.

"How the hell do you think we orchestrated that?" Meredith narrowed her eyes, "Do you think that my daughter has an alarm that I can set off to make her cry whenever? Don't you think if she had one that I would set it to never??"

"If kids came with alarms that you could set to never make them cry, I might actually consider having one. But then there's that whole thing about screwing them up and sending them straight to the therapist when they're 20 because they have mommy issues."

"Cristina." Burke mumbled, shaking his head lightly. He could see that Meredith was frazzled enough, she didn't need his wife's snarky comments sending her over the edge.

She glanced over at him as he returned his attention to the now quieted infant. She watched him as he carefully ran his finger over the soft skin of her cheek and down her arm. There was a look in his eyes that she'd never seen before. A small and wistful smile played upon his lips as he bounced her gently, keeping her in a state of calm. He glanced back up to Cristina, "What?"

"You really want one of those, don't you?" She asked in a quiet rambling voice, "Like, really, really want. Like really want like a kid really wants a pony or something."

"I don't know that I'd equate it to wanting a pony." He chuckled gently.

Cristina glanced up at the clock and pushed herself away from the table, "I have a surgery to get to since Dr. Burke bumped it this morning."

"Oh, Cristina, wait!" Meredith looked up, "Derek and I….we, uh…we wanted to ask you guys a favor." Her voice was shaky at best and Cristina could smell the question coming a mile away.

Apparently, Burke could too. "Yes, we'll take her whenever you need us to provided that our schedule is open of course."

Cristina looked at him, leveling her gaze on him, "Oh, we will?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I have to go to surgery now." Cristina walked away from the table rolling her eyes. Why did her friend have to have a baby? Why'd she have to bring it to the hospital? More importantly, why did Burke have to look so damn hot just holding it?

She knew that she had a list of cons longer than pros. Seeing the glimmer in his eyes though was enough to make her doubt whether her list of cons would ever be long enough to deny him of that joy.


	10. Chapter 10

Cristina pushed open the door to their apartment and let out a long sigh. It had been a long day between the autotransplantation and the baby and her bumped surgeries. She glanced at the clock and wondered exactly how long Burke would take wrapping up that last emergent surgery.

"So much for dinner tonight." She muttered to herself and pulled out her cell phone to dial their favorite Chinese restaurant and order in.

After ordering their usual, she padded across the cold floor of their apartment into the bedroom to snatch up a tank top and a pair of his pajama pants and into the bathroom. She shed herself of her jeans and button up and slid into her more comfortable clothing and glanced up to a small purple container sitting on the medicine cabinet.

When she picked it up, it suddenly felt like a lead brick to her and she studied it carefully, flipping open the lid to reveal the little miniature pills that kept her from getting pregnant and kept Burke from getting what he wanted. Her eyes glanced through the different weeks and saw that she was ready to start her new pack.

She sat it down and plucked her cup from the counter, filling it with a small amount of water and she traveled back into the kitchen. Pulling the drawer open she pulled a new package from it and opened it's packaging.

It would be so easy to just take the pill and continue on with their life as it was. Their marriage was far from monotonous or boring, and she liked it that way. They played their games, they enjoyed their nights together. They went out to dinner often. They spent hours in each other's arms.

But there was no purpose other than just being with each other.

She ran her fingers over the little bubbles of plastic formed by the pills in their packaging as her mind traced over the possibilities. If she quit taking her pills now, they would have a kid within the next two years. Right in the middle of her fellowship or as it was ending. The time off would only extend it a couple of months.

Not that it mattered. She was well qualified to sit for her exams now, it was just a matter of completing the time requirements.

Cristina began working out in her mind how she could put in extra hours now and clear those hour requirements well before she ever gave birth so when her deadline came up, she'd still be eligible.

She ran her hand through her hair irritated with herself. Something in her had to want this child because there would be no way that she was trying to figure out how to make it work if she didn't. Letting out a long sigh, she dropped the pills into the trash.

Walking away only for a moment, she came back to them and plucked them out of the canister. She didn't want to take any chances.

As she dropped each pill into the toilet, she became a little more excited to see the look on Burke's face whenever she told him that they could try. After the entire packet was emptied, she pulled the lever and watched them all float away.

Her last line of defense against motherhood gone, she began to hope that she could do this for Burke. She secretly hoped that she could do it for herself as well, to prove her every nagging doubt wrong. She still wasn't 100 sure that she wanted this child. She did know, however, that she wanted Burke to be happy and she knew that the idea of having a purpose more than surgery and marriage was just another challenge for her to overcome.

And Cristina Yang was competitive to a fault.

She jumped as she heard a knock on the door and she remembered the Chinese order she'd called in and grabbed her cash off of the dresser before making her way to the door. When she pulled open the door she was surprised to see Burke standing there with a bag of Chinese.

"Oh, don't tell me you stopped to get dinner."

"No, I caught the delivery boy on the way up the stairs." He sat the bags down on the counter and pulled her close to him, pressing her body against his. "I'm not really hungry right now." He mumbled, dipping to kiss her softly.

"Oh?" She sighed delightfully as he trailed his lips over her neck. It was like he already knew what was coming.

"It's been one of those days." He confirmed as he slid his hands up her sides agonizingly slow.

Cristina grinned as she ran her fingers over the back of his neck, "I love those days."

He walked them back towards the bedroom, his mouth still trailing over her hot skin. Running his hands over the hem of her tank top and worked it up over her head, "I love coming home after one of those days."

She smirked for a second as she thought of teasing him by pulling away to go eat her dinner, but as he pulled the shirt away from her body and moved his mouth over the newly bared flesh she lost all coherent thought.

The only thing that mattered now was him.

As they made love, Cristina reveled in the way that Burke not only anticipated her every need, but how he took his time to meet them. He always made their lovemaking all about her. Every kiss, every soft touch, every gaze met was deliberate and perfect. Being together was as natural for them as breathing.

Afterwards, Burke pulled Cristina close, his lips brushing over her forehead. He spoke softly of his day, venting his frustrations with the various insurance companies that demand he use a certain type of suture and the countless time lost on the phone arguing with their representatives.

Cristina lay there silently, tracing patterns against his glistening skin as he spoke. She heard his words, but her mind was trailing over the fact that she'd just had unprotected sex with him. She smirked at herself. She knew that she wouldn't get pregnant so soon, she'd only quit taking her pill tonight.

"You're quiet." He observed, his voice slicing through her thoughts.

She glanced up at him, trying to devise the best way to tell him exactly what was on her mind. She let a small grin play upon her lips, "Do you know how expensive therapy is?"

He was taken aback by the question and then gave her a simple nod, "I'm fairly certain that we can afford it."

Cristina focused her gaze on his for a moment, seeing the growing excitement in his eyes and she felt a quiver in her voice as she shot back her reply, "Well, I hope so."

Burke pulled her closer, needing no more validation.

As their dinner lay on the counter long forgotten, they made love a second and third time. Every time, the sex only got better and better and as Cristina dozed off afterwards she couldn't help but smile at the fact that Burke now had a purpose long before their child would ever be here.


	11. Chapter 11

Cristina stood quietly at the surgical board her eyes glazed over with exhaustion as she surveyed her schedule for the day. Silently, she cursed herself for scheduling so many surgeries. When she agreed to having a baby, she knew that she was going to have to put in a great deal of hours to meet her fellowship requirements before she'd have the kid, but she had forgotten how grueling it was to work an intern's hours.

Meredith came to stand beside her, and shook her head at your schedule, "You work too much." She finally muttered, stifling a yawn.

"I'm trying to get in these hours so I can complete my fellowship requirements." Cristina answered bluntly, sipping at her coffee.

"Why are you trying to complete them now? You still have two years until your fellowship is up."

Letting out a sigh, Cristina glanced at Meredith, pressing her lips together.

A small smile started to creep across her lips, quickly followed by an enormous grin, "You're not."

"Shut it."

"You're not! Seriously?" Her voice was a quieted squeal, "You're joining the mommy club?"

"I am not a mommy." Cristina snapped, "And I will not go for being called mommy. Or mama. No way. I'm…" Her voice trailed off. She wasn't sure what she was going to call herself. She just knew that she was not a mommy.

"Dr. Yang? I can see it now. Your kids will call you Dr. Yang. 'Dr. Yang, can I have some cereal, please?'" Meredith mocked, still beaming.

"I'm walking away now. I have interns to torture, patients to cut." Cristina forced a yawn back down into her chest, trying to mask her exhaustion.

Meredith quickly caught up to her, "How long have you been trying?"

"What's it to you?"

Meredith whined, "I'm living vicariously. I just remember how excited Derek was when we started trying. I swear we had sex non-stop for like, hours and weeks on end. It took forever for me to get pregnant."

Cristina stopped in her tracks and turned to Meredith, "One week. Okay. We've been trying for a week. And I don't care if we are friends, I don't want to hear about McDreamy going for hours at a time. That's just nasty."

"Oh, so he's not all voracious or whatever like Derek was?" Meredith smirked, "Oh well. It doesn't surprise me."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing." Meredith snickered, knowing that she could easily trigger Cristina's competitive side.

"Fine. He's like an adolescent boy that just discovered he can use his penis for something other than urination. Are you happy?" Cristina finally muttered, irritated by the challenge in her friend's voice. "McDreamy couldn't even get away with half of what Burke does."

Meredith giggled as she walked away from Cristina, "You're going to be fat and pregnant, and I'm going to laugh at you just like you laughed at me."

Cristina shook her head, "Laugh at me. I don't care. I just won't cry like you did."

"I was hormonal!" She protested, flicking back a piece of limp blonde hair from her face, "And you totally took advantage of that too many times."

"Okay, crybaby." Cristina grinned as she walked down the hall towards the fellow's office to look over a couple of charts before prerounds. She made it halfway down the hall before she felt a strong hand grab her arm and guide her in the opposite direction.

"Dr. Yang, might I have a word with you for a moment?" Burke uttered in a low voice, glancing around to ensure that the halls were mostly deserted before ushering her into a call room.

"Burke, I have a surgery in an hour, and this clearly breaks the work rule." She protested half-heartedly. If she were to tell the truth, she wasn't that mindful of breaking the work rule. It had been years since they'd taken advantage of the call rooms in the hospital, opting instead to play their game.

"What work rule?" He mumbled as he pressed her against the door, his lips coming down softly on hers. He grazed his hands under her navy scrub top and over the soft skin of her sides, eliciting a moan from her lips.

Cristina gave into him easily under his teasing ministrations. She couldn't ever think straight when he touched her. And he took full advantage of that, "Fine.." She feigned annoyance, "But I have to be in surgery in an hour. I have a full schedule."

He pulled away from her, letting his hands drop to his side, "Okay, Dr. Yang. We can hold off until later, if you prefer."

Grasping at his sides, she pulled him back to her so that their bodies were flush, "What? You can't work under a time restriction?"

He grinned against her lips as he resumed where he'd left off only a few moments earlier, "I'll have you in surgery on time, Dr. Yang."

Exactly one hour later, Cristina stood over her 67 year old patient with a smile well hidden below her surgical mask and her thoroughly tousled hair disguised beneath her pink surgical cap. The exhaustion had left her body and she couldn't help that think the rest of her day might actually go smoothly.


	12. Chapter 12

Cristina stood inside the door of the NICU as she watched the nurses settle her last patient of the day into his isolette. After they settled the patient, she bent over the isolette one last time to assess the baby's heart tones. Everything was clear and even as it should be.

She stood to face the parents, speaking to them quietly about the repair she made and what to expect over the next few days. After answering their questions she pulled herself away from the bedside and made a quiet exit from the NICU.

As she passed the well baby nursery, she paused to see that there'd been a great influx of babies over the past few hours. Watching the babies quietly, she began to wonder in her mind what her child would look like.

The only trait that she really wanted her child to carry was Burke's dimple. She knew it was a silly and errant hope, but the child she pictured in her mind had his dimple. She let a faint smile play across her lips as she knew in her heart that clefts and dimples were dominant genetic traits and that the chances of their child having one was strong.

Cristina took notice of the nurse's staring at her bewildered through the glass window and she made a face before turning to start back down the hall. Her mind traced back over the baby that would be hers soon enough and she lost control of her thoughts once more. She'd never bothered to ask Burke what he wanted, but she was sure he'd use that corny line of 'The sex doesn't matter as long as it's healthy'. She rolled her eyes at the mere thought.

Every person trying to conceive had a picture of their ideal child in their head, and they were only lying to themselves if they claimed not to. Cristina had her picture formed, and if she was going to have to be a mother, she knew exactly what she wanted.

She wanted a boy.

Girls were too much hassle in her mind. There were the ribbons and the bows and the dates and the proms and all of the things that she couldn't be interested in. She had a strong fear that if she had a daughter that she'd want to do ballet, and she couldn't bring herself to let her child do ballet. Not after what happened to her as a child.

She silently chided herself for her overactive imagination and as she rounded the corner she bumped into Burke, who seemed as preoccupied as she did.

"Dr. Yang." He spoke quietly, his tone slightly amused.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Burke." She glanced up at him with sparkling eyes.

His eyes trailed up and down her body and he cleared his throat, "You're hanging out by the nursery now, Dr. Yang? Are you considering a change of specialty?"

Cristina made a sour face, "No, Dr. Burke. I had a surgical patient in the NICU. I was just on my way back to my office to do my postoperative note. What brings you to this part of the hospital?"

Unphased by her accusatory tone he shrugged, "I wanted to see the babies."

A small laugh escaped her lips and she shook her head at him softly, "My note can wait, Dr. Burke. Perhaps you have a few minutes to spare?" She started back towards the surgical unit without him, knowing that he'd quickly follow behind her.

"What did you have in mind, Dr. Yang?"

She shrugged nonchalantly, lowering her voice as they approached the elevators, "I just figured that making your own offspring was a lot more entertaining that looking at somebody else's."

Burke watched her carefully as she stepped onto the elevator and his heart swelled in his chest just a little. He knew that he'd been excited since the moment that she'd said that therapy would be expensive, but he'd never sensed that she was excited about this child.

It wasn't like her suggestion of working on their own offspring was an enormous revelation in terms of most people, but for Cristina it was huge. She hadn't pushed him away whenever he wanted to make love to her, but she certainly hadn't initiated it recently either. His mind traced over the implications of her making the suggestion and he couldn't help but smile wider as he pressed his lips to hers.

She pulled away for a moment, a grin playing upon her lips at the sight of his. "What is that look for?" She breathed, studying his face closely.

He shook his head as he bent to kiss her again, softly. "Nothing." She fell silent again as his hands wandered over her body, tugging at clothing. He couldn't help but be happy at that moment. It was just being next to her and having her in his arms. It was so much more than that to him. For the first time, he felt like he wasn't the only one who wanted this baby.

For the first time, he felt like Cristina was ready to be a parent with him.


	13. Chapter 13

Two blue lines, a plus sign and the word 'positive'.

Cristina's eyes trailed over the tests she had laid out over the counter and she shook her head nervously. It had only been a month since they started trying and since she'd stopped taking her birth control. This was definitely going to falter her plans of cramming in an insane amount of hours at work.

She picked up all three of the tests, studying them again. Three positives had to mean she was pregnant. After only a month of trying she was pregnant.

"He's the king of fertility." She muttered to herself, her mind tracing over the first pregnancy. She was still one hundred percent sure that he got her pregnant the first time they had sex.

Meredith giggled from the other side of the bathroom door, "I'm going to take that as a yes."

Cristina slid open the bathroom door, "How the hell did he manage to get me pregnant in one month after years of being on birth control? I mean, I'm not complaining. Well, yeah, I am complaining. He got me pregnant in one month. How am I supposed to get my fellowship hours completed?"

Meredith's eyes locked on the three pregnancy tests, "You took three tests?"

"I can't just take one. I wanted to be sure." She sunk onto the side of the bed, her mind racing at a million miles a minute. She couldn't believe she was pregnant. She just couldn't process it. She wasn't unhappy about it, and she wasn't excited about it.

Cristina was just pregnant.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked quietly, sinking to her friend's side. "You should be happy. Like, jumping up and down or something."

"I'm okay." Cristina's voice was uncharacteristically soft.

"Okay, like Cristina 'okay'? Or okay like normal people okay?"

Cristina nudged her hard in the side with her elbow, "Shut it." She glanced at the three tests again, then glanced at the clock. "He should be out of surgery by now."

"How are you going to tell him?" Meredith smiled, "I went out and bought these baby shoes and like, shook them in front of his face. He was so excited."

Rolling her eyes, Cristina stood up from the bed, "That's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life. Shaking shoes in his face like he's some sort of dog. Real cute, Mer."

Mer followed her out of the bedroom, "You're not amusing. And I have a baby to go home to that won't mock me and my cute ideas."

"Give it time…..it can't talk yet." Cristina smirked, picking up her cell phone from the counter.

"Bitch." Meredith hissed before pulling the front door closed behind her a little harder than she should have.

Cristina was left with nothing but the sound of her tapping keys on her cell phone and her thoughts. She didn't believe in shaking shoes in faces or some sort of stupid giddy onesie that said 'world's best dad'.

There was only one suitable way for her to tell him.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Burke stood over his patient and cracked his neck to the side. It had been a long surgery, and he felt as if it would never end. Typically, he didn't have a problem with long surgeries or cutting, but he knew that Cristina was home, and he was anxious to get home to her.

He worked quickly to suture his pericardial patch in place and he did a final and thorough exam before nodding to the perfusionist to start rewarming the patient. His eyes focused on the heart, but his mind was focused on other things.

It had only been a month since they'd started trying to have a baby, but he was ready to be a father now. The pregnancy couldn't come quickly enough. There were so many things that he wanted to teach his child, boy or girl. There was the trumpet, and Eugene Foote, and science. And though he was sure that Cristina would be opposed, he was going to teach their child about God, even if just a little bit.

The sound of his pager tore him from his thoughts and back to reality and he glanced up at the monitors. This heart was taking too damn long to rewarm.

"Dr. Burke, I believe that's your pager." Debbie mumbled through her surgical mask, "Would you like me to check it?"

Burke gave her a curt nod, "Yes please."

Debbie picked the pager up from the computer stand and glanced at him, "It's a text page."

"Go ahead and read it to me." He replied evenly, leveling his gaze on her.

She cleared her throat, pressing the button to scroll through the message and she felt her breath catch in her throat. "It says 'I'm pregnant…whatever, don't make a big deal about it.'" She could barely choke out the words and she heard a collective groan from the scrub nurses as she read over the words again silently.

Burke tilted his head to the side, a wide grin spreading across his face. It was just like his Cristina to be so nonchalant about telling him the best news of his life.

Debbie sat the pager down, "Yang is pregnant." She muttered aloud to herself.

"May God have mercy on us all." Another one of the circulating nurses snickered.

Hearing the comments, Burke couldn't help but grin wider. He knew that Cristina was a handful for the nurse's, and normally he may have felt a slight twinge of sorrow for them. But now he knew nothing but joy.

He was going to be a father.


	14. Chapter 14

Burke pushed open the door to the apartment quietly, knowing it was late in the evening he had fully expected Cristina to be asleep. He laid his keys on the bureau and crept into the bedroom to see her sitting up against the headboard with a medical journal in her hand, "What are you still doing awake?" He asked, surprise apparent in his tone.

"No reason." She mumbled, not pulling her eyes from the article. She continued to stare at the words on the paper, but she couldn't really read them. She wanted to know his reaction to the news that she'd texted him earlier. She wanted to see that excitement in his eyes.

He sat at her feet on the bed, taking them into his hands, and rubbing lightly, "So, I've heard a rumor at the hospital."

"And this is a new occurrence?" She smirked, "Which nurse did I scare now?"

"All of them." He grinned.

"What?"

He leaned over her to kiss her lightly, "I was in surgery whenever you paged. Debbie picked it up and read it to me."

"So the entire hospital knows I'm pregnant?" She asked with quirked eyebrows, "Seriously?"

Sensing the disgust in her voice, he backed down just a little, "It's not that big of a deal, Cristina. The hospital isn't going to collapse knowing that you're pregnant. Just give it a couple of weeks and nobody will even care."

Cristina sighed, leaning back against the headboard, "If a single person lays their hand on my stomach I'll amputate their whole arm."

Burke laughed as he leaned over her again to kiss her, his hands resting lightly at her hips, "Say it." He mumbled against her lips, his voice low.

She kissed him back softly, her hand coming to rest on the side of his face, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Cristina."

She let out an exaggerated sigh, "I already told you, but obviously the 30 staff nurses gossiping about it didn't get it into your thick skull. I'm pregnant. Whatever. Don't make a big deal about it."

He moved his weight over her, kissing her softly as his hands slid to the waistband of her pajama pants. Grinning as he felt her writhe underneath him he pulled away to look at her In question.

"I'm already pregnant. Aren't you tired of sex? We've had sex like, eight times a day for the past 30 days. My vagina is broken." She muttered half teasingly.

His hands slid lower over her abdomen as he gazed with a challenge into her eyes. He traced agonizing patterns over her skin until he came to the raised line of skin that marred her perfect abdomen. It was in that moment that the memory of seeing her name on the board so long ago came flooding back to her.

Taking notice of his frozen expression, she laid her hand across his, "Burke."

"It's not a recurring process." He reminded himself aloud.

"No. It's not a recurring process." She repeated, her hand traveling up his arm to his shoulders, "If you want, we can have Dr. Montgomery check it out. If it will make you feel better or whatever."

He nodded slowly, trying to force the idea out of his mind that this could happen again. He couldn't bear to watch it play out the first time and they weren't officially together when that happened. To see her go through it again would be too much.

For both of them.

Cristina reached down with an internal sigh and tugged at the hem of his shirt, a mischievous sparkle in her eye.

"I thought you said you were broken?"

She pulled the shirt from over his head and reached up to kiss the dimple on his chin, "I'm only pregnant. It's not like I need a functioning reproductive system to give birth."

He grinned as he bent to kiss her once more and slide her clothes off of her. Though there was a nagging feeling tugging at his thoughts that wouldn't go away until he saw their baby on the ultrasound monitor he was generally happy.

Burke knew he wouldn't be able to cradle their child in his arms for a long time, but a peace had already come over him just with his pregnant wife in his arms. Everything was falling into place and he felt as if he had a purpose now.

As they held each other in the dark later that night, they both felt something had shifted subtly. There was an air of perfection that hung over them, a happiness that couldn't be easily dissolved.

They felt complete.


	15. Chapter 15

Burke stalked through the hallways of Seattle Grace. He was a man with a purpose this morning. He searched all the typical spots where he'd expect to find her and a few more of the atypical ones. After covering too much area of the hospital, he came back to the surgical board and she was standing right there. He shook his head. He should've known he'd be able to find her there.

"Preston." Addison smiled at him, "You look a little winded."

"I don't get winded." He grinned, "I've just been looking…Do you realize that you're very hard to track down?"

Addison gave him a half smile, "So the rumors are true?"

"Indeed."

"And you want me to do an ultrasound to make sure everything is as it should be." She nodded, her look of bemusement turning to one of professionalism, "I can't do an ultrasound for at least another month. We're not going to be able to see anything if I do one now."

Nodding silently, Burke tried to take in the idea of waiting another month. He'd be lying to himself if he wasn't concerned that she could have another ectopic. He worked so hard to get her to want this child and he didn't want to lose it.

"Preston, a month will fly by." Addison spoke quietly, "And the incidence of ectopic pregnancies occurring more than once after a salpingectomy and oopherectomy…"

"I know." His words were short, "Thank you, Dr. Montgomery. I'll have Cristina schedule the appointment."

Addison watched as he walked away and couldn't help but feel a small amount of pity for the man. She'd never known for sure that he was the father the first time until well after the incident, but she knew how concerned he was then and she could only imagine how concerned he was now. Running over Nagele's rule in her head, she tried to estimate how far along Cristina could be and if she could do the ultrasound any earlier. Finally giving up, she shook her head in defeat.

They would just have to wait.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Cristina leaned back in her office chair, glancing up at the time. She'd been working for 15 hours straight and managed to avoid her husband. She also knew that that was going to come to an end very shortly. Try as she might though, she couldn't focus on this last post op note. Other things filled her thoughts in that moment.

Her mind traced over the nights spent recently with his fingers following the scar that marred her abdomen. She didn't know how to take his mind off of that. She had no control over his thoughts or his wandering imagination.

And Cristina Yang did not like being out of control.

She tried to soothe him with words. She tried to explain to him that the first time, her morning sickness was way out of control and this time she didn't even really have it. She tried to explain to him the first time she cramped a lot more, but he brushed it off.

He was worried and she couldn't soothe him.

Exasperated, she reached up to shut off her computer screen. She closed her eyes, trying to gather her thoughts. That was the other thing she hated about being pregnant. She couldn't focus on anything.

"Stupid hormones." She muttered to herself in a voice just more than a whisper.

Burke gave her a half smile from the doorway as he leaned there watching her, "Maybe you should go home and get some rest. Writing a post operative note wouldn't be so difficult if you'd just rest, Cristina."

"Don't start." She mumbled in a warning tone. "I'm not going to deal with you hovering for the next nine months or whatever.

He shook his head as the smile on his face faded into a mask of seriousness. "Cristina, you've got to take care of yourself and working long shifts is not taking care of yourself."

She sensed the shift in mood immediately and her exhaustion got the best of her. Cristina reached beneath the desk to grab her bag and then pushed herself up from her chair, "I knew this was going to happen." She muttered, brushing past him.

He reached to grab her wrist, the frustration apparent in his voice. "Do enlighten me."

"You. Being overprotective and trying to keep me from working. I've been pregnant for like two weeks and you're already trying to get me to cut back on my hours. You've already taken away my coffee and you make a face whenever I get something out of the vending machine." She muttered.

"Well, if you'd take care of yourself on your own I wouldn't have to do it for you." He dropped her wrist and walked away from her.

"Burke, it's not going to make a difference." She finally sighed, "The coffee and the hours and the vending machine food, it's not going to make a difference."

He turned to face her, "Caffeine is not good for the baby. The hours are not good for you."

"I understand, Burke. I also want you to understand that I want my fellowship as badly as you want this baby. You have to let me get these hours in."

Burke clenched his jaw, her words struck a nerve. "I just want you to take care of yourself. It's not just that. There are a million things that can happen."

"And one thing that can't." She argued.

"Dammit, Cristina! Don't you think I know that?" He clenched his fists deep in his pocket, trying to regain his composure.

Cristina watched him quietly for a moment, upset with herself for being a little too blunt and upset with him for getting so wound up in this. They'd argued more in the past two weeks than they'd argued in the past two years. It was her fears coming to fruition.

This child wasn't even born yet and they were already starting to crumble.

She pondered giving up for a minute, giving into his worries and just going home with him. In the end her stubborn streak won though. She'd given up enough control for one day.

"I have a consult in the pit. I'll be home later." She finally muttered and walked away without allowing him to say another word.


	16. Chapter 16

Cristina felt bad. She hated feeling bad. She hated feeling like she had done something wrong.

Correction, she hated knowing she did something wrong.

She knew that she shouldn't have walked away from Burke, and she knew that she shouldn't have drudged up the ectopic pregnancy thing. She just couldn't take that wounded look in his eyes anymore. Hugging her knees tighter, she glanced over at his sleeping form in the bed and considered waking him up to apologize.

But she didn't do apologies this soon. She cursed the hormones coursing through her veins and decided that she would blame the guilt on them.

"Wake up." She muttered nudging him a little harder than she should.

Burke woke with a start, his eyes fluttering wildly, "Cristina?" There was alarm in his voice, "Is everything okay?"

Guilt seared through her once again when she realized that he thought she was waking him because there was something wrong with the baby. She grabbed his hand in hers, trying to ground him from his fears, "Everything is okay." She said softly.

He studied her closely, calming down when he saw that she was okay. There was no need for him to say anything to her. She woke him up, she was willing to talk.

"Maybe I could work a little less. But only a little. I can only afford to cut two hours max from my day for the next three months." She started softly, "And you already made me quit drinking coffee, so that's not even an issue."

"Two hours is good." He nodded softly.

"And I'll try not to eat so much crap from the vending machine, but I'm not going to quit eating out of it all together. I'm supposed to get fat when I'm pregnant. I can't do that whenever I'm eating carrots and broccoli." She rolled her eyes.

Burke smiled as he pulled her into his arms, a slight chuckle escaping his lips. He brushed his lips over her forehead as one hand came to rest protectively over her abdomen. Longing for the time that there would be a bump there, he moved his hand softly over the still flat spot. His fingers found the scar and he traced over it lightly.

Cristina slid her hand over his and guided it back up on her abdomen, "Burke."

He shook his head, "It's not just about that, Cristina." He ran his hand back down to the scar, "If it wasn't for the first time you were pregnant, we wouldn't be here now. That baby brought us back together." His voice was soft and wistful, "That scar isn't representative of only bad things. Some good came out of that too."

She ran her hand back down to where his was. Cristina began to realize for the first time that perhaps it wasn't Burke that was as worried about the ectopic as she was. She had vehemently denied to herself that she was as excited as he was. She kept rationalizing to herself how this time was different from the last.

It was in that moment that she knew that she wanted this baby just as badly as he did.

"I wonder what it will be." Burke whispered quietly through the dark, his hand still traversing the soft skin of her abdomen.

The words came out of her mouth before she could filter it, "Whatever. As long as it's healthy."


	17. Chapter 17

"My mother wants to name him Preston if he's a boy." Burke grinned as his hands slid up her legs to grip her hips.

She made a face, "One, do you really want to talk about your mother and the baby right now? And two, you can tell your mother that she's already named one child and that's enough." Cristina lowered herself to kiss him softly as his hand traveled to the small of her back.

Burke pressed upwards and against her as she kissed him, and swallowed hard when he felt her respond. "The baby could wait." He uttered, his lips trailing down her jawline to her neck.

Cristina let her head fall back, a satisfied smile playing upon her lips as she trailed her hands behind his neck. "Good." She mumbled as he feasted upon the soft skin of her neck.

He pulled away for a moment, "What about Donald? We could name him after my daddy.."

"Burke!" She sighed exasperated. She pushed herself off of him and grasped her pajama pants off the floor to slip them on.

Burke couldn't help but grin at her as she pulled her pants on, "Cristina. Now that we know each other." He teased lightly as he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back to him. "I'm excited, Cristina. We're going next week to see our baby for the first time. Aren't you excited?"

"Right now? In this moment? No. I'm not excited. I'm irritated because I'm trying to have sex with my husband and he wants to talk about baby names." She muttered, laying down beside him.

He pulled her into his arms and brushed a kiss over her lips softly, "We can do both."

"Multitasking is not an issue for me." She pushed him away, "It's talking about our baby while I'm straddling you that's an issue for me."

"I'm not talking anymore." He pulled at her hips, trying to guide her back to the spot she occupied moments ago but she fought him.

"You had your chance." She rolled her eyes. "Just toss out your baby names so I can shoot them down and tell you how much of a dork you want to make our kid by naming it that."

Burke chose to ignore her statement about their child being a dork. She'd already made her feelings about the name Preston known several times before. "Donald."

"No. No juniors."

"William."

"Common."

A smirk played on Burke's lips, "Colin."

She elbowed him in the side hard, "That's not funny."

Rubbing at his side he nudged her back gently, "Xavier."

Cristina was quiet for a moment. She had a fondness for his middle name and she wouldn't mind using it for a name, but she wasn't going to give in that easily. "Who says it's a boy?"

"Okay, so if it's a girl….Bethany." He threw out a name, unable to think of any girl's names.

"No. That reminds me of Izzie's underwear ads."

Burke let out a laugh, drawing her closer still, "Okay, what about Ariane?"

"Oh, so she's the Little Mermaid?" Cristina rolled her eyes.

"No, that's not her name."

"The fact that you know that disturbs me greatly." Cristina muttered. "You know what would've been twenty times better than sitting here and coming up with baby names for me to make fun of?"

He rolled over so that his weight hovered over her and he bent to kiss her softly, "I have no idea."

Cristina smiled as his hands slipped to the waist of her pants, pushing them away once more. She kissed him deeper, trailing her hands around his neck as she felt them being tugged off. His hands touched and teased their way up her legs back to her waist and she shivered with delight. "Burke.." She uttered in a low voice.

His mouth enveloped hers, swallowing the syllable that had slipped from her perfect lips. He pulled away for a moment to look into her eyes. There was a connection there that was so great and undeniable that sometimes it caught both of them off guard. He could see that there was something she wanted to say and he stilled his wandering hands.

She moved her hands up his arms to his shoulders. "I like Xavier." She finally whispered, her face growing warm with embarrassment. She don't know what it was so flustering, but the revelation stirred something in her.

Burke grinned before he bent to kiss her again softly, his hands once again resuming their exploration of her body. "Cristina?"

Arching her back as his hand slid under her shirt she fought to maintain some sort of composure, "Yeah baby?"

Driven further by her reactions he leaned forward to take her lips once more, "No more baby talk."


	18. Chapter 18

Burke stood silently at the head of the table, his fingers snaking through Cristina's curls as he watched Addison examine his wife. His heart was beating out of his chest and he felt as if he couldn't catch his breath. Once she was done with the ultrasound, he knew he'd be able to relax. He knew that everything would be okay.

Addison cleared her throat as she worked quietly and reached absently for the ultrasound machine, "Cristina, when did you say your last menstrual period was?"

Cristina shifted uncomfortably as she felt cold gel against her skin, "I haven't had one for a few years."

"I'm sorry, Cristina. You're going to have to explain that to me. I don't understand how you couldn't have had one in a few years and not suspected a problem?" Addison nearly choked on her words. Was this girl really that foolish? She was a doctor, for God's sake.

"I was on the pill. I skipped my sugar pills and started the new packs so I could skip. I was irregular already, and I researched it before I did it. It wasn't that big of a deal." Cristina muttered, "Besides, whenever I didn't start, I figured that I'd take the test and it came up positive."

"Cristina." Burke shook his head, looking down at her.

"Oh, like you didn't know that there wasn't a week every month that you were missing out." She hissed at him under her breath.

He shook his head with a nervous grin playing on his lips. Silently, he had hoped that this wouldn't have an effect on the baby. "Are you going to do the ultrasound now, Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison nodded silently as she started the ultrasound, dread growing in a pit in her stomach.

Burke watched the screen carefully, looking for their child on the screen, securely attached to the uterine wall where it was supposed to be. He narrowed his eyes, focusing but he couldn't see anything. He looked away from the screen and down at Cristina, who was gazing back up at him. Giving her a slight nod she felt her breath catch in her throat.

This couldn't be happening again.

He couldn't bring himself to look at the screen anymore as Addison continued her examination of the fallopian tube and ovary. He already knew what he'd see. He already knew what Cristina was going to have to go through again.

And he knew that it meant that they'd never be able to have children.

Addison shook her head, "Cristina…..I'm sorry."

Cristina cleared her throat as Addison pulled away and she sat up to face her, "So what now? Do I have to have surgery again?"

Addison looked at her in question for a moment, "Surgery? No..no, it's not that. There's no ectopic pregnancy."

"Then what is it?" Burke questioned quietly, "Because there's no fetus."

"She's not pregnant." Addison answered firmly, her attention turning back to Cristina, "You're sure it's been a few years since your last menustration? Can you tell me how long? An approximate date."

Cristina let out a long sigh as her memory traced over the last period she had and she closed her eyes, "It was the last time I got pregnant. That was the last time."

There was no surprise on Addison's face as she watched Cristina, "Okay, now I need you to tell me something else." She cautiously laid her hand over Cristina's, trying to keep her grounded to the situation at hand, "Before you were pregnant the last time, were you ever irregular? Did your periods skip a month or two?"

She didn't even pause before she answered, "Never. I was always regular. Like clockwork."

"Have you ever had any sort of abdominal trauma?" Addison continued, trying to maintain professional boundaries. She glanced up to Burke and her heart ached for him and she had to swallow down a lump in her throat.

Cristina nodded, looking down at the hem of the ugly gown she was wearing, "Yeah. When I was nine."

"Cristina?" Burke asked softly.

Ignoring him she continued, "I was in a car accident when I was nine. I wasn't hurt really bad, but my abdomen was covered with so many contusions they were sure that I was bleeding out when they took me to the hospital."

Burke took in a deep breath trying to process exactly what it was that Dr. Montgomery was getting to, but fear and disappointment kept him from asking the tough questions.

"Dr. Montgomery?" Cristina's voice was short, almost blunt, "Is there something wrong? Because if there is, I really don't want you to dance around it."

Addison shook her head, "I don't want to say anything until I do anymore tests. I'm going to send you down for a CT of the abdomen and I'd like to do a endocervical needle extraction."

Cristina nodded. She felt as if she was on autopilot, "Yeah, okay….when?"

"I'd like to go ahead and schedule everything for this afternoon. I think that it would be for the best." Addison pulled her prescription pad form her pocket and jotted some information down on it. "Take this and go to CT. They'll go ahead and get it done and I'll prep a procedure room and page you when it's ready."

Burke watched as Addison left and he pulled Cristina into his arms, his heart slowed dramatically. In one hour his wife had gone from being several weeks pregnant to needing tests to evaluate her fertility. His mind wandered and he bit back his frustrations. He wasn't going to worry before she needed to.

"It's okay." He offered in an even tone, still holding her tightly. "Nothing in our life has ever been easy, why should starting a family be any different?"


	19. Chapter 19

Cristina looked on quietly as Addison spoke to her. The words couldn't be real. They shouldn't be real.

"The disease is called ameiocytosis. It's typically found in cancer patients or patients with a history of severe abdominal trauma. It literally keeps the eggs from going through the fourth stage of meiotic division. .." Addison began.

"And it happened before I ever went through puberty so the one working ovary that I had compensated for the damaged one. Until I had ectopic pregnancy and you removed it." Cristina finished her sentence evenly, "I've read about the disease process before."

Burke swallowed back the lump quickly forming in his throat. There was nothing he could say or do. He needed to be strong for Cristina. Reaching over to lay his hand discreetly on her knee, he listened to his future play out in silence.

She was never going to be able to get pregnant. They were never going to be parents.

"I'm sorry, Cristina…Preston. " Addison looked down nervously, tapping her pen against her leg, "We can leave the ovary as it hasn't seemed to cause you any problems. Unless you prefer to have it removed?"

Cristina shook her head, "I can't afford to take the time off of work. I need to fit in the hours for my fellowship requirements." She bit the inside of her cheek as soon as she said it. She wouldn't have to worry about logging hours for her fellowship anymore.

There wasn't a baby that was going to hinder her from meeting the requirements.

"Thank you, Dr. Montgomery." Burke nodded at her, "For everything."

Addison watched as the couple quietly made their exit from her office and she cleared her throat. Telling them that she took Cristina's one functioning ovary so long ago is something she had never dreamed she'd have to do. How could she have known at that point though? It was an emergent surgery and she didn't have time to explore before taking the egg.

Her thoughts didn't help her any as she laid her head against the desk, biting back tears. She couldn't help but think there was more emotion built up in her in that moment than she'd seen in them.

To Addison, they looked empty.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Numb. That was the only word that ran through Cristina's mind as she focused on her intern's call assignments. Shattered definitely wasn't the word. Shattered would mean that she's wanted this baby all along and that she was unable to function. Disappointment would indicate that she felt something. Disappointment would indicate that she would feel the need to excrete from her lacrimal glands and that was the last thing that she was interested in.

No, the word numb sufficed perfectly.

She finished writing out the assignments and glanced up at the clock. It had been eight hours since her appointment. It had been two hours since she'd found out she was sterile. It had been one hour and fifty minutes since she'd walked away from Burke and told him that she had work to do.

It wasn't that Cristina didn't care about him. She cared about him too much. She couldn't bear to see that sad look in his eye that she knew he'd deny. He would try to be strong for her, he would say things that he didn't mean to give her the support he thought she needed. But there would be that sadness in his eyes that spoke volumes much louder than that of his voice.

Eight hours ago, Burke had a purpose.

Cristina pushed the thought out of her head as she focused back on her work. She was going to take call tonight. She couldn't go home. She couldn't share a bed with him, and she certainly couldn't talk about it.

She considered for a moment, calling him or paging him to let him know that she wouldn't be home. But he would know where she was. He would know that she was going to take call. It's what she did when she couldn't handle a situation.

It's what she did when she couldn't face him.

Pushing herself away from the desk she glanced up at the clock one last time. It had been hours since their future came crashing down around him and she knew that. Silently she wished she could look at the clock and see how long it would be before their life would resemble normalcy or something like it.

But she knew that they'd be forever changed.


	20. Chapter 20

Burke stepped into Cristina's office and saw her things scattered about the desk. It didn't surprise or phase him that she was avoiding him. He simply wished that she wouldn't.

He bent to straighten the papers that she'd left on her desk and move her coffee away from the stack of papers for fear that she may knock it over. He didn't want her to have any more stress this evening then she'd already placed on herself. Carefully he examined the notes that she had left there, trying to determine where she might be but they gave him nothing.

Leaving her office he glanced up at the OR board and saw several C-sections being scheduled for the next day and he felt sadness tug at his heart once again. He knew that some things were never meant to be but there was still a pain that would linger for a deal of time within him.

And it would only linger longer is Cristina continued to avoid him.

He saw an emergent appendectomy being scribbled onto the board and he moved on to the scrub room. He pushed through the door and found her there tying on the scrub cap he'd gotten her for her birthday, "Scrubbing in?"

"Yeah. " She replied quietly, "I took the call shift tonight. Meredith wanted to spend some time with Ava so I figured I'd let her."

He took in her words carefully, trying to process them. He couldn't tell how badly she was shaken by all of this. "Did you tell Meredith?" He asked softly.

"What's there to tell?"

Her words were like a baseball bat to his stomach. He knew that she cared more than she was letting on. He also knew that he was going to have to let her deal with it in her own way. "Cristina…" His voice was low, no more than a whisper.

"I'm fine, Burke. Really. I've never been better." She pushed through the OR door without allowing another word out of him.

Burke walked away from the scrub room with a heavier heart than before he spoke with her. She was irrevocably broken and he couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt. It was his fault that she was broken. He was the one who wanted a so-called purpose. He was the one who pushed her into wanting a child. He was the one who was so excited about her being pregnant.

She probably felt like she wasn't good enough for him anymore after everything he'd put on her. She couldn't give him a child, so what was the point.

He pressed an open hand against the wall outside the scrub room, trying to regain control of the thoughts spinning out of control in his head. Burke knew that he needed Cristina to recover from this. He knew that he needed to take her home and hold her in his arms and tell her it was okay.

Burke needed to tell her how much he loved her. He needed to tell her that even though she may not think so in that moment that she'd always be more than enough for him. That he was happy just being married to her.

Walking away from the scrub room towards the call room he made the conscious decision that he would not leave her alone that night. Even if it meant sleeping alone in a call room, at least he'd be in the hospital. He'd be close to where she was in case she wanted to talk or lay there with him.

He'd already broken her spirit. He wanted to be close to put her back together whenever she finally fell apart.


	21. Chapter 21

Cristina wearily walked towards the pit to consult on a patient her intern had called about. She hadn't slept at all and she didn't really care. The coffee that she could consume once again buzzed through her veins.

It was the thinking that was bogging her down.

As she wove through the hallways of Seattle Grace she couldn't help but trace over easier times in her life. Her internship was a breeze compared to all of this. Granted, she was still with Burke at that time. And things were still complicated with the planning of her wedding, but at the same time, things were simple.

Easy.

She missed the days where she never thought about purpose. She missed the days where her life was surgery and sex and errant revelations of attachment. There wasn't a desire to be anymore than Cristina and Burke. There wasn't a desire to have a family or have some sort of stupid purpose in life.

It was surgery and sex, the two things that came most naturally to her.

Her thoughts were broken by an apparently empty stretcher blazing past her into the ER, manned by two frantic medics. She rushed to catch up with them as her intern looked on in stupor.

"Don't just stand there, get a history!" She snapped shimmying out of her lab coat. She dropped it into a chair as she came upon the gurney.

Cristina paused for only a moment, her breath catching in her throat as her eyes fell upon the patient, "What do we have?" Her voice was surprisingly hoarse as she began her examination.

"African American neonate male found abandoned in a dumpster downtown. He's hypothermic with temperature ranging at 34 Celsius. We brought him up to 35 in the field. He's showing signs of mild respiratory depression, bradycardia and low pressures. The umbilical cord was tied in a knot, so we're assuming that he's not lost too much blood."

"I don't assume anything." She glared up at the medics with disdain, "I want a type and cross, H and H, CBC, and drug screen. Get a head to toe CT with a skeletal survey, let's get him intubated with a 2.0 and put him on a servo. I want vitamin K, hep B and aquemephyton administered now. Call the NICU and tell them we have an admission and to clear a bed."

Anybody else in the world would've been affected by caring for an abandoned infant on the same day that they found out that they'd never have a child of their own.

Anybody, that is, but Cristina.

Despite the revelation of her sterility she was 100 focused and she wasn't going to let this child throw her off. She helped the medics to move the child onto the bed and she reached down, pulling him towards her.

Laying the baby's head back she pushed down on his chin to visualize his vocal cords and she easily slid the endotracheal tube into his throat. She pulled away her fingers to attach the bag into place and froze whenever she saw it.

There was a dimple in his chin.

She felt her composure slowly slipping from her as she fixated on the feature. Her thoughts went spinning out of control. How the hell could somebody just leave their child in a dumpster to die? How the hell could some woman be so fucking inconsiderate as to leave her child to die on the same day that she found out that she'd never have one? And how could fate be so cruel as to place a dimple on that baby's chin?

"Dr. Yang, the kid's veins are shot. Do you want me to start a central line?" Her intern glanced at her and saw the expression of pain mixed with shock painted across her face. "Dr. Yang?"

Reality smacked her in the face and she looked at the intern, trying to gather herself, "What?" She finally breathed, "What do you want?"

"Do you want me to start a central line? The kid doesn't have a decent vein."

She took the central line kit from the intern and laid out its contents, "I want you to get on the phone with CT and get them cleared and then call the NICU and tell them we're coming with this baby."

"Dr. Yang, we can take this from here." She felt a new presence at her side, but she was focused on finding the subclavian artery on the infant lying before her.

"If you wanted it, Bambi, you would've been in here doing it instead of doing God only knows whatever." Cristina looked up to George standing in front of her.

There was still a strong bitterness seething from George towards Cristina since she snatched up the only Cardiothoracics Fellowship at Seattle Grace. Instead of sticking around and waiting for another spot, he transferred to a residency in the ER instead. "Cristina, this is my ER. You're not going to swoop down here and steal my patients."

Once the central line was in place she glanced up at George with a cocky grin, "Looks like I already have, baby boy." She glanced up to look at her intern as he returned to her side, "Let's get this kid to CT and up to the NICU."

George jammed his hands in his pockets with an irritated look on his face and Cristina patted his shoulder, sneering at him as she passed, "Early bird gets the worm, Bambi. It's not my fault you're starving."

He muttered something after her, but her attention was focused on her new patient. She knew she was in the pit for a consult, but that patient was long forgotten. She would just have that patient transferred up to the floor and she'd look at them later.

She had a new patient to attend to.

She tried to make excuses to herself that the kid might have a still open foramen ovale or a patent ductus arteriosus and she was only being responsible by following him.

She wasn't interested because he was a baby without a mother. And she certainly didn't care that he carried a trait that's genetically dominant.

He was just another patient.

Or at least that's what she was going to keep telling herself.


	22. Chapter 22

Cristina glanced up at the clock to see that it was seven thirty. She had to trace her mind over the events of the past few hours to rationalize exactly what it was that was wrong with this kid that would keep her in the NICU for three and a half hours.

Especially when he'd been settled and stable for three of those hours.

She glanced over his numbers once again. His temp was coming up, his pressures were stable, he had a regular rate and rhythm. Plucking his chart from over the computer she scanned over his labs again. Her stomach churned angrily as she recounted exactly how many drugs were in his system.

Withdrawal would lead to seizures and arrhythmias and she couldn't chance leaving his side so soon after his admission in case he'd go into a fatal arrhythmia. That's why she was there.

That's why she had spent the last three hours in a rocking chair at his bedside, and she refused to accept any other excuse.

Cristina jumped slightly as a hand pushed a cup of coffee in her face and she looked up to see Meredith standing over her. She took the coffee with a blank expression, "How did you know I was up here?"

"Your intern. The one that reminds me of George the way he's all skittish or whatever." Meredith smirked, "He said you didn't want to be bothered, but I figure I have a right to bother you. I'm your person."

Silently, Cristina took a sip of her coffee then reluctantly stood from the rocker she'd taken residence in over the evening, "I really need to go. I have surgeries this morning."

Meredith laid a hand against Cristina's shoulder, "Are you okay?" She asked softly.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" Cristina rolled her eyes, "I don't have any reason not to be okay."

"I heard." There were two words, but they spoke loud volumes to Cristina. She knew that her pregnancy spread like wildfire through the hospital. Why wouldn't her infertility do the same?

Cristina looked out the window, avoiding Meredith's gaze, "Nurses?"

"Yeah. Debbie was telling them to be nice to you and to go the extra whatever to keep your stuff in order." Meredith felt tears stinging in her own eyes. She would have hoped that Cristina would tell her about this herself rather than hearing about it through a third party.

"You know what? Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's not like I really wanted a kid anyway. It was a stupid idea and thankfully science intervened." Cristina replied coldly, glancing up to the baby's numbers.

Meredith took notice of Cristina's preoccupation and she shook her head lightly, "Then why are you here?"

"The kids a consult." She scoffed, "I stole him from George last night. They found him in a dumpster. He's drug addicted, high risk for fatal arrhythmias. I wanted to make sure he was stable." Her voice was cold and clinical.

She was detached.

Meredith stood over the warmer, running a finger down his arm, "He's cute." She smiled, "Really cute, actually."

Cristina looked away, rolling her eyes, "He's a baby."

"Cristina."

She sat down her coffee, "Listen, Mer. I don't want to do this. This thing where you look at me like I'm sad and pathetic and then I cry and tell you that I really wanted a kid. Because it's not me and I'm not interested. Can't you accept the fact that I didn't want a baby? That I wasn't trying to be a part of the mommy club or whatever the hell you named it? I'm happily married. I don't need children to mask a lack of a relationship."

Meredith looked as she'd been smacked in the face, but he knew at the same time that Cristina didn't mean it. It was a constant battle for Meredith to not take the words that Cristina said so seriously, and she was quickly losing this one. "I have to go."

Cristina pressed her lips together as she watched Meredith walk away and she knew that she was going to have to leave as well. She had surgeries, and this kid was just a consult.

She leaned over the warmer one more time to listen to his heart sounds and breath sounds before pulling away. She ran her fingers over his tiny limbs to assess his peripheral and distal pulses and she checked the measurements on the ET tube. With a heavy heart, she traced a finger softly over the dimple in his chin and pulled away.

He was just a consult.


	23. Chapter 23

Burke slipped into the call room and found Cristina sleeping peacefully on the bunk, her hand draped over her stomach. There was sadness in his eyes as he watched her sleep. He longed to take the time to just lie next to her and hold her.

He lowered himself to the bunk and splayed his hand over hers, leaning to kiss her lips softly. "Cristina." He uttered low, "Cristina, you have to wake up. You have a surgery in an hour and interns that are more than a little frightened to wake you on their own."

She stirred softly and felt her hand over his. Staring up at the bunk above her as she opened her eyes, she stiffened a little under his touch. She didn't want to look into his eyes. She couldn't deal with his pain right now. She had more important things to worry about. "My interns are incompetent." She muttered.

Burke pulled her tensed body closer, trying to envelop his senses with her. "Cristina." He uttered low, brushing his lips over her forehead, "Don't push me away."

Doing the exact opposite of what he'd said, she pulled herself away from his arms and stepped out of the bunk, "Why is everybody looking at me like I'm pathetic?" She muttered, "I'm just trying to do my job. I don't need people feeling pity for me."

He watched her sadly, his own heart aching. "Cristina."

"Quit saying my name like that." She snapped, "Everybody keeps saying my name like that. I'm tired of everybody saying my name like that too! I can't take you people running around this hospital like I'm some sort of car wreck."

She began to pace back and forth, anger bubbling from deep within her, ". And so what if I thought I was pregnant or whatever? Obviously I'm not and I'm ready to move on, but everybody's stuck on it."

"It's okay for you to be upset." Up to that point, Burke wasn't sure which one of them was more affected, but he could see that she'd buried a great deal deep within her. It didn't surprise him to discover that she was denying her feelings.

"I'm not upset." She argued, "Y'know, it's not like I wanted this baby anyway." She immediately regretted saying the words the second they fell out of her mouth. She knew that it wasn't true, but she couldn't take him saying those things.

Burke rose from the bed and grabbed her shoulders to still her pacing. His gaze leveled on hers and drew her in. "I did. I wanted this baby." His voice was low and almost angry.

She stumbled over multiple syllables trying to find the words to apologize for her harsh verbage, but she couldn't find anything. Instead, her walls went up and she pulled away from him, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough to bear children or whatever. I guess you'll have to deal or move on."

Without allowing him another word she left the call room, slamming the door behind her. She wasn't running from him. She was running from her feelings, she was running from the ache in her heart.

She was running from the pain she'd caused him.

Burke sunk back into the lower bunk, and brought his forehead to his palms. With his airway constricted and his heart beating out of his chest he tried to focus on his love for her, but he was overwhelmed by loss. He already felt the loss for the child that he never had, but now he felt a different kind of loss as well.

This loss was deeper and farther reaching than that of an unborn child. It was the loss of the woman he loved.

Even just three years ago there wouldn't have been a shadow of a doubt that there was no way that she'd come back from this, but he'd believed that she'd grown. He believed that she came to be able to rely on him more than she used to. He had come to the point where he was sure that nothing would ever tear them apart.

But now as he struggled with his own emotion, he lost grasp of that assuredness. He began to wonder if she would ever come back from this or if he'd forever lost her in his quest to obtain a higher level of purpose in their relationship.

He allowed grief to overcome him only for a moment before he forced himself from the dark place he'd spiraled into. Cristina would have to have a source of strength eventually and he had to be ready for that.

She would come back. She would open up. She would need him as much as he knew he needed her.

Burke would accept nothing less.


	24. Chapter 24

The NICU was darkened as Cristina stepped inside of it, presumably so all of the infants would sleep. She moved quietly through the rows of isolettes and warmers and parents rocking their children to the baby she consulted earlier that morning. As she approached the little boy, her heart sunk in her chest as she saw a gathering of nurses around the warmer.

Instinctively, Cristina glanced up at the monitor ready to see him in pulseless electrical activity or ventricular fibrillation, but everything was normal. "What's going on? Why wasn't I paged?"

A nurse glanced up at Cristina and made a questioning face, "We're extubating him, Dr. Yang."

"On who's orders? I didn't give an order to extubate him." She snapped back at the nurse.

"Dr. Montgomery, his neonatologist." The nurse paused for a second, taking stock of her demeanor, "I wasn't aware there was a consult for cardio on this case." The nurse stammered over her words, unsure of what to expect from Cristina.

Cristina crossed her arms, staring down the nurse menacingly, "From now on I want to be notified of changes on this baby's status before you people decide to do anything." She didn't know what was wrong with her that she was so focused on the baby's care. She glanced up at the monitors again, comfortable with his numbers she glanced back down at the nurse. "I thought you were going to extubate him?"

The nurse nodded wordlessly and then looked to the respiratory therapist who easily removed the tube from the child's throat. The baby coughed and sputtered adjusting to the tube being removed from his throat.

Cristina felt a twinge of jealousy as the nurse leaned over him, rubbing at his forehead gently trying to calm him and she stepped forward toward the baby. "You could at least pick him up. He doesn't have a mother. He needs some sort of human contact." She muttered as she brushed past the nurse and lifted the infant from the warmer.

"I need to drop an NG tube on him so that we can give him feeds. That's why I hadn't picked him up yet, doctor." The nurse glanced up at her, quickly growing impatient with her poor demeanor.

"Why do you need to drop an NG? His respiratory rate is well below sixty. He could easily do PO feeds without complications." Cristina protested, holding the infant in her arms as if it was something she'd done all her life. She surprised herself as she gently swayed back and forth and she brought herself to a rocky halt, embarrassed by her actions.

"With all due respect, Dr. Yang, that's what Dr. Montgomery ordered. I would question her orders if you were consulted on the case, or even if you were the child's mother, but you're just following through." The nurse's voice was shaky at best and she backed up just a little.

Cristina felt her breath hitch in her throat for a second whenever the nurse informed her that she shouldn't even care about the patient's orders. She knew that she was right. Unconsciously her grip on the baby tightened. She narrowed her eyes at the young nurse, "I'll contact Dr. Montgomery if you're incapable of it, but there's no reason to put him at a greater risk for infection by performing another invasive medical procedure."

"I'll contact Dr. Montgomery." The nurse finally said, accepting defeat with a scowl painted upon her lips.

Cristina sunk into the rocker at the bedside and allowed her eyes to fall upon the baby boy and really study him for the first time. His skin was lighter, but she could tell by the tips of his ears that he would have a much darker complexion when he was older. She trailed her fingers over the soft patches of curls on his head and down his cheek. She shook her head when his lips curled up into a small smile of his own- a reflex stimulated by her touch. She followed the curve of his chubby cheek to the dimple placed in the middle of his chin and that's when she felt the ache tug at her heart again.

It was in that moment that she knew exactly why she was so concerned with this patient. "You're what I wanted." She whispered softly, rocking back and forth. Swallowing down a lump in her throat she continued to rock gently. She didn't understand what she was supposed to feel.

Cristina was a doctor, and she knew that she shouldn't care about such things. But she also knew that she was a woman who'd just had a dream taken away. A dream that she knew she never had at that.

There was a child in her arms that was almost exactly what she'd pictured in her head, and he didn't have a mother or a father. He would face months of being passed from foster parent to foster parent before somebody may adopt him.

Or he could spend the rest of his life in the system.

And so what if she wanted to take him home? There were nurses that worked in the NICU that did medical foster care all the time. There were doctors that adopted children from the NICU and Pediatric wards all the time just to give them a better life.

Why would she be any different? Why would Burke be any different?

She pulled him closer to her face and lowered her voice to just above a whisper, "So, here's the deal kid. You look like somebody that I never got to meet. So I'm going to hang around for a while and we're going to see what happens."

Cristina let a smile turn up the corner of her lips as the baby's eyes slid open and became fixated on hers. She quieted herself and studied him for a few moments in silence, his eyes deep and thoughtful and she felt her own eyes burning.

Now she knew what it felt like to want a purpose.

As she bit back the tear that threatened to spill the baby's bottom lip began to quiver and a small cry erupted from between his lips.

"Okay, we have to work on that. You can't cry." She sighed as she resumed rocking back and forth. With the sound of her voice, the infant quieted again and she shook her head, "You're a listener. You want to sit here and listen to me talk. You're just like Burke. I think you two would get along just great. That's just want I need. Two Burkes." She muttered, "I don't even know if I can put up with that, but I'll wait and see if you have any other redeeming qualities."


	25. Chapter 25

Cristina sighed, leaning against the wall of the elevator. She'd spent three days avoiding him and working too much and tonight would make her fourth on call shift in a row. She couldn't bring herself to leave the hospital, and she couldn't bring herself to face Burke.

The elevator came to a halt the floor before hers, and she glanced up to see him step on the elevator. She averted her eyes for only a moment before they were drew back to him. "Is that my bag?"

"It is." He confirmed quietly as he hit the button for the lobby.

"Are those my keys attached to my bag?"

"They are."

"So how the hell am I supposed to get in my office?" She snapped, not amused by his little bout of thievery.

"You're not."

She reached forward to grab her bag as the elevator doors slid open once more, but he caught her arm with a firm grim, "Burke, I'm on call tonight. I can't go home."

"It's covered."

She pulled her arm away as the door slid shut again and she narrowed her eyes, "I can't go home. I have a pile of paperwork to do. Reports, patient follow-ups, I have to check my intern's notes. I can't go home."

"You can't do any of those things if you can't get into your office, Cristina." He replied in an even tone. Her escapism had gone on long enough, and she needed to come home.

He needed her to come home.

Cristina stood in silence for a few moments, shocked by the boldness of his moves. The elevator opened once again to the lobby and his hand found it's way to the small of her back, guiding her. "So you're forcing me out of the hospital?"

"You give me no choice."

She felt her heart tug at her a little as she neared the front doors. The last time she'd entered the hospital, she came in pregnant.

Or so she thought.

Walking out those doors meant facing reality. Walking out those doors meant talking to Burke and listening to him talk. Walking out those doors meant going home and sleeping next to him knowing that she wouldn't ever be able to give him what he wanted.

Burke felt her steps falter and moved his arm around her waist, pushing her forward. "Cristina." He breathed, "We can move past this, we will move past this….but you have to let us."

The moisture laden Seattle breeze assaulted her senses as he guided her outside and she closed her eyes for a moment, trying to steady herself against it. She pressed forward with him, battling the urge to run back into the safety of the hospital.

Walking out to the car felt as if she was walking towards her execution. She wasn't sure what to expect. She didn't know if he expected her to cry, or if he expected her to be upset at all. She was numb. She didn't feel anything, and she didn't want to explain that to him.

She didn't want the man she loved so fiercely to think she was heartless.

As she pulled her seatbelt across her lap, she continued to fight her feelings of entrapment. She felt nausea settle over her stomach as she tried to focus on the positives of going home. It only nauseated her more that she couldn't think of any in that moment.

Their ride home was laden with a heavy silence. Neither one of them wanted to be the first to speak. There wasn't small talk to be made, no conversations about surgery to be carried out. Neither one of them could gauge how much the other hurt. Neither could figure out how much denial the other one had built up in the past few days.

Deciding that enough was enough, Burke reached over across to her lap and grasped her hand in his. He twined his fingers with hers as he cleared his throat, "Thank you. For coming home."

She glanced up at him as he squeezed her hand in his and she let out a long exhale, trying to gather herself. "Whatever. It's not a big deal. I'll just have to work late tomorrow to get my paperwork caught up."

Resigning to the fact that it would take her a couple hours to cool off, he pulled his hand away and placed it back over the gear shift. Focusing on the road ahead he tried to gather his thoughts. He had to formulate a plan of action for when she was ready to talk.

Cristina broke through his thoughts as she reached over to pull his hand back into her lap. She glanced over at him with an apathetic glance and then turned to look back out the window.

If he didn't know better, he would've thought that she was going to be easy to get through to. But he knew his Cristina and he knew that she was going to make this anything but easy.


	26. Chapter 26

Burke felt her eyes following him through the apartment. She remained uncharacteristically silent, hiding behind a medical journal for most of the evening, pausing every once in a while to clear her throat or sip at the coffee he'd made her.

He found it daunting that he couldn't think of anything to say to his own wife. Preston Burke was never a man without words, he was typically quick witted and sharp tongued when he needed to be. But the position he'd put her in put him at a loss.

Cristina slipped quietly from the kitchen table while he had his back turned. As she breezed into their bedroom she felt that same tug at her heart that she'd felt all night. She quickly shed her scrubs and pulled on a pair of his pajama pants and a tank top.

As she slid between the sheets she glanced up to see him coming into the bedroom as well, the living room and kitchen darkened. She settled herself against her pillow, still unable to bring her eyes to his. She felt like she'd robbed him of something, and she couldn't forgive herself for it. Silently, she wished she was at work.

He laid in the bed next to her, and she half expected him to pick up a book and start reading. Instead, the light flipped off and she felt the warmth of his body press against hers. Immediately, she melted against him and she felt her breath hitch in her throat. "Burke.." She whispered into the darkness.

Pulling her tighter against him, he rested his chin in against the soft skin of the nook where her shoulder and neck met. "Cristina."

She swallowed hard at the lump in her throat as his arm tightened around her waist. She couldn't find the words to tell him that she was sorry. She couldn't find a way to apologize for her being broken. "Did you set the alarm?" She finally managed weakly, unable to think of anything else to see.

He couldn't help but crack a small smile, "The alarm is set."

Cristina shivered lightly over his hot breath against her skin, "Good. I have paperwork that you drug me away from."

Letting out a long exhale he kissed placed a soft kiss against her shoulder, "You're enough for me, Cristina."

Her eyes snapped open and she bit the inside of her cheek, trying to bite back emotions unwelcome. She preferred the numbness to the anger or guilt or sadness that she knew would overwhelm her if she let it. "I always have been. Like I don't know that." She shot back quietly, trying to play it off.

"Cristina." He sighed, "Don't. Don't do this." He hushed his voice, bringing his lips up so that they brushed the tip of her ear, "When we got married, I vowed to spend the rest of my life with you, for better or for worse. Right now, things are worse. But they can get better, but you have to stop pushing me away."

"I'm busy working." She interrupted, her voice strained.

"Listen." He replied evenly, "I know you. And I know you don't want to talk about it, and I know better than to try to make you talk about it. But I need you, Cristina. Even if you don't want to talk about it, or hear about it, I need you. You're all I need."

"That isn't what you were saying a month and a half ago." She shot back bitterly, wincing immediately after the words fell out of her mouth.

He held tightly to her, knowing her words were only a defense, "And now I'm saying that you're all I need."

"But you wanted more."

"Cristina."

"Right, sorry. You don't need more. I'm sorry." She muttered low.

She nodded against her pillow, "Can we go to sleep? I have paperwork."

Resigning to the fact that he'd gotten her home, he pressed one more kiss to her shoulder, "We can go to sleep." There would be more time to work on her.

Cristina pressed her body closer to his, feeling as if she couldn't be close enough to him in that moment. She wanted to feel relief in his arms; she wanted to feel anything but numb or guilty. Slowly the tensions that had built up in her body over the past few days from working so hard started to leave, but the guilt remained.

She laid in his arms, waiting until his respirations were deep and even signifying that sleep had taken him. "I'm sorry I can't give you more."


	27. Chapter 27

Burke was not surprised to find Cristina gone from the apartment when he woke up. He glanced over to the kitchen counter to see if she had left a note and shook his head when he saw nothing. He clenched his jaw and considered calling her to find out what time she had left, but anger bubbled through him.

He was angry at her for leaving him so early, for pushing him away. For not coming to terms with what she felt with the entire ordeal they'd gone through.

He was angry with himself for pushing her into wanting this child, and for making her feel like she wasn't enough.

As he readied himself for work, he couldn't help but wondered if he'd singlehandedly destroyed their marriage because he wanted a so-called purpose.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Cristina crept quietly into the NICU, careful not to disturb the other families or nurses. She didn't know why she was there again. For the past 5 days, she'd come to check on this kid. For 5 days, she'd continuously assessed for a PDA, a VSD, anything that might justify her frequent follow-ups and every time she found herself cursing herself for even caring.

She picked up her pace as she noted commotion around the child's bed and she pushed past a crowd of nurses, "What the hell is going on?"

"He's bradying down. He started seizing and the phenobarb isn't working." The nurse explained, pulling the ventilator from his ET tube to bag him.

"Push 10 mics of dilantin and 0.25 of methadone." She snapped at the nurse. She watched the helpless infant jerk in front of her and she glanced up at the screen, his heart rate rapidly decreasing.

Her eyes trailed over the nurse bagging him to the dimple in his chin and she felt her chest grow tight. She knew that the genetically prominent phenotypical trait that found it's home on this infant's chin was what drove her to continuously watch him. To constantly make sure he was okay. She watched as the infant's heart rate continued to plummet and she felt Burkes dream of a purpose slipping through her fingers again. But she could control this situation. She wouldn't lose another baby. "Slam him with 1 of atropine and .5 of epinephrine now."

"Dr. Yang?" The nurse glanced at her with widened eyes.

"Did you not hear me? 1 of atropine and .5 of epi now." She barked as she laid her thumbs over his tiny chest, compressing in a rapid and even rhythm to bring his heart rate up.

Clamoring around her, the nurses drew up medications and pushed them through the lines, "There's no response, Dr. Yang."

"Give him another .5 of epi. Push 2 of adenosine and another 10 mics of dilantin." She continued compressing rapidly, focusing all of her guilt and numbness into the compressions. She would not lose this kid. She would not lose Burke's dream again.

She glanced up to the monitor, slowly watching the numbers slide back up at a steady rate and she pulled her fingers away from his chest, watching carefully. His arms and legs came to a relaxed tone and she glanced at the nurses, "What are you waiting for? Go page Dr. Montgomery, get a CT/MRI ordered, I want a CBC, CMP, Hepfun and drug screen. Get a dilantin and phenobarb level while you're at it."

After rattling off her orders, Cristina walked away from the infant, waves of nausea crashing against her stomach. She quickly pushed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She held her stomach. She wasn't going to lose control of her body. She leaned against the wall, fighting the bile rising at the back of her throat. She would not lose control.

As her stomach settled, she slid down the wall to rest her head against her knees to consider the thoughts racing through her mind. Was she seriously considering trying to bring home this child left for dead in a dumpster? She laughed bitterly at herself, feeling as if she'd truly gone off the deep end. She could only imagine the rumors that would run through the hospital if she tried to foster this kid.

At the same time though, she knew this wasn't about her or what she wanted.

It was about Burke and what he wanted.

She didn't have control over her body or what had happened in the past. She didn't have control over what they had lost, but she could control this. She could give him what he wanted. She could give him back the purpose that she'd taken from him.

And that was all that mattered to her.


	28. Chapter 28

Cristina paced back and forth outside of the social worker's office trying to decide what to do. Her brain and heart were at odds with each other over what she was contemplating. Trying to adopt a baby to make up for what she- no they, had lost was stupid. But Burke wanted it so bad, and they were broken right now.

This baby could fix them.

Resolving that she didn't have to make an admission to the social worker that she was the interested party, she knocked on the door. As she waited to make her entrance, she fidgeted nervously with her lab coat, struggling with her legs not to run away.

The door swung open and she forced a smile at the social worker.

"Can I help you?"

Cristina fought nervously for words, finally sputtering, "I'm here to inquire about the infant in the NICU that was abandoned in a dumpster a week and a half ago."

"He's not an ad in the paper." The social worker smirked at her, "Come in, please."

She stepped forward, "I'm Dr. Crist-"

"Cristina Yang. The nurses have told me you've been hanging around and spouting orders like you're a neonatologist." She nodded, "I'm Andrea, and you're here because you're interested in foster parenting."

Cristina was taken aback, "I never said that."

"Surgical fellows with a reputation such as yours don't hang around the NICU for fun, Dr. Yang." She smiled, "Please, have a seat."

"I really can't, I have a surgery that I have to scrub in on soon." She lied, poised near the door to make a quick escape.

"Dr. Yang, if you're not willing to hang around to get the information right now, we can speak later. If you have time, of course. But I would suggest that we meet sooner rather than later as CPS is already working on a foster family." Andrea bent over to pull some papers from a file drawer and then turned back to face her.

"Oh." She felt as if she'd been stabbed in the gut. The kid hadn't even been in the hospital for two weeks and they were already working on placement for him. Cristina didn't have any knowledge of the foster system, but she didn't think it'd move that quickly.

"Of course, " Andrea continued, focusing on the nervous doctor in front of her, "If you have a few moments now, I can have you start some paperwork for the CPS and they can put the placement on hold if you're coming forward. We have a severe lack of medical foster parents right now, and he's obviously a very medical case."

Cristina sunk into a chair next to her desk shaking her head, "Okay."

Offering Cristina a daunting pile of papers she smiled warmly, "You're nervous."

"I am not." Cristina took the papers, a hint of offense in her voice.

Andrea shook her head, "Of course not, it was a misperception on my part. You're going to have to fill these papers out and I need them back this afternoon if possible. I'll have to put in a call to CPS and tell them we have an interested party. They're going to want to get the ball rolling on you as soon as possible."

"You need these filled out this afternoon?" She stammered, looking through them.

"You'll have to have your husband fill out the forms too. There are background checks to be filed and they'll want you to come in to do some fingerprinting, and a preliminary interview." She continued explaining, watching with bemusement as a subtle panic painted itself across Cristina's expression. "It's a lot less daunting than it sounds. Until you get to the interview, anyway. That's a little intense."

Cristina flipped through the papers, "Can I get them to you tomorrow afternoon? There are just some things…." She paused, trying to catch her breath, "I just need time to look over them."

Andrea looked to a file sitting on her desk and she cleared her throat, "I am supposed to be in contact with this child's social worker today, but I may be able to put it off until tomorrow. I need those papers first thing in the morning, though. It cannot wait until the afternoon."

"Is 10 okay?" Cristina asked quietly, already trying to formulate an explanation for Burke in her head. This wasn't something she wanted to spring on him. She didn't even know how she was going to explain the baby to him.

"If you want a serious shot at fostering this baby, I'm going to need them here by eight. CPS doesn't put on its brakes for anybody. Even surgeons."

Cristina let a smirk form on her face, "You're very straightforward, Andrea."

"I'm just used to dealing with people who aren't nervous, Dr. Yang." She returned Cristina expression of bemusement.

"I'll have them back by eight." Cristina nodded slowly, rising from the chair and moved towards the door. She had some work to do with Burke and she wasn't sure where she was going to start.

"Oh, Dr. Yang?" Andrea called after her, rising to poke her head out of the door.

Cristina spun around to face her, clutching her papers tightly. "Yes?"

"He needs a name. Normally I name them myself when there's a case like this, but seeing as you've taken an interest in him and I've run out of creative names, I'll leave that up to you."

Cristina stammered, "Oh, I can't.."

"You've spent more time with him than I have, and unless you want to foster a child named Bob, you may want to think of a name." There was a hint of teasing in her voice with a lingering hint of seriousness.

"Oh….okay." Cristina stammered over her words, "We'll give him a name or whatever." She walked away, dread growing in her stomach as she worked towards her office. She would tell Burke about it later. She needed to get to work and get her mind off of this new mess she'd made of herself.

After all, she had 23 hours to get the papers turned in, which was more than enough time to get everything straightened out.

Or so she thought.


	29. Chapter 29

Meredith found Cristina pacing in the NICU and shook her head. She couldn't figure out what her friend was up to now, but she had received a 911 page for her to 'get her motherly ass to the NICU now.' And so she did.

"What's going on?" She asked her friend, her eyes focusing on the little intubated baby. She recognized the infant from the case that Cristina was following a few days ago. "Still following him? Does he have a defect?"

"He needs a name." Cristina sighed, pausing to stare at Meredith, "You have to help me name him."

"Okay, who are you and what did you do with Cristina?" Meredith smirked.

"Meredith, this is not a laughing matter. I have 18 hours to come up with a name and get Burke to sign these stupid papers or somebody else is…..nevermind. I just have 18 hours and I need help." She rambled angrily, "Now are you going to help me or not?"

Watching her friend closely, she stepped to the infant's bedside and ran a finger over his tiny leg, "What are you doing?"

"Don't do that." Cristina snapped at her and then pressed her lips together, "Sorry. He's prone to seizures because he's withdrawing. Just…don't bother him too much."

Meredith pulled her hand back, "Cristina, maybe it's the hormones, but I'm not exactly getting what you're doing up here. Your acting like the kids mom or whatev-" She caught the words in her throat, "You're not."

"Shut it and help me give him a name. He needs a name and I need to tell Burke and have him sign these stupid papers." She rolled her eyes and brought her hands to her forehead. "This is such a mistake."

Meredith traced her eyes over the papers, "Where did you get these?"

"The social worker."

"So, you've found this kid, gone to the social worker and discussed adoption and now you're naming the kid…without your husband. Are you just going to pop up with the kid at home one day and be like, 'oh honey, I found a baby on my way home. Can we keep him?'" Meredith smirked, "You need to talk to Burke."

"I told you it was on my list of things to do. He needs a name first. It's not like I can go get Burke and bring him up here and be like, 'Burke, I'd like you to meet baby without parents. Baby without parents, meet Burke.' It just doesn't work. He needs a name first."

"Or you could have Burke help you. That's what your husband is for."

"Funny, because I remember you asking me to help name Ava." Cristina muttered, "Look, if you're not going to help me, just go because I have 17 hours and 50 minutes to get this figured out."

"Okay, okay. I'll help you name him. Just chill out." Meredith sighed and dropped into the rocking chair, "What kind of name do you want?"

"There's kinds of names?"

"Well, there's like the traditional names or whatever, and there's like popular names or common names or unique names.." She rambled on, "Or you can spell a common name in a unique way.."

Cristina rolled her eyes at the unnecessary explanation, "Okay that's not helping. Just toss out a name and I'll tell you if it sucks."

An evil grin spread across Meredith's face, "Colin."

"Now is not the time to screw with me, Grey. I don't care if it is for revenge." Cristina snapped at her.

"Fine, whatever. How about Andrew?"

"Boring."

"Better than Tim."

"Not helping."

Meredith studied Cristina closely for a moment, "What did you want to name it?"

"Name what?"

"Your baby. What did you want to name your baby?"

There was a softness in Meredith's voice that caught Cristina off guard and she felt as if she'd had the wind knocked out of her. She struggled for a grasp on the situation and she finally swallowed down the rush of emotions that hit her. "We were going to name a boy Xavier." She finally spoke, her voice strained.

"Then name him Xavier."

Cristina focused on the baby, "You don't think it's creepy or weird to name him that?"

"Why would it be? I mean, if you adopt him, he'll be your baby anyway. And that's what you wanted to name your baby." Meredith shrugged.

"Xavier." Cristina repeated, glancing at the baby and tearing her eyes away. This was about Burke, this wasn't about her. "Okay, so, now I have 17 hours and 40 minutes to get these papers signed. How the hell am I supposed to tell Burke about this?"

"That I'm not sure about. I mean, you haven't exactly been going home or talking to him." Meredith mumbled.

"How would you know?" Cristina narrowed her eyes at her.

"Interns talk to interns. Those interns talk to nurses, and the nurses talk to everybody. It's kinda hard to miss."

Cristina started to comment on the rumors, but bit back the comment. There were more important things to focus on. Like telling Burke about their prospective baby and making him sign papers after springing it on him.

"Maybe you could just page him to the NICU?" Meredith suggested, "I mean, I know that's like a big scary thing or whatever, but seriously? You're going to have to tell him, and he's going to want to see the baby."

"Yes, Cristina. You are going to have to tell me." Burke spoke from behind Meredith his eyes trained on Cristina's movements.

Meredith's eyes widened, "Oh, Dr. Burke. You know, I think I'm just gonna go…be..uh, bye." She glanced at Cristina and shrugged before excusing herself.

Cristina glanced at Burke with surprise, "Oh, hi baby." She mumbled nonchalantly.

Burke's gaze trailed from Cristina to the infant in the warmer and back to her, and she gave him only the slightest of nods and picked up a stack of papers off of the counter.

"Burke, we need to talk."


	30. Chapter 30

Cristina looked down at the ground quietly. She would've preferred more time to formulate some sort of explanation. "How'd you find me up here?"

"Addison had come to see me to check on you. And then she said that the social worker contacted her to inform her that potential foster family had stepped forward on a case that she's been following. I was surprised to hear that we were the potential family." He cleared his throat as he drew his hands to rest at his hips, "Cristina, can you tell me what this is all about?"

She traced her eyes nervously between Burke and the baby a couple of times before she finally let out a long sigh, "Sit down."

Burke sunk into the chair wordlessly, recognizing a tone of desperation that he'd never heard from her before.

Cristina slowly scooped up the baby into her arms, watching his monitors carefully to make sure that his numbers weren't disrupted. She settled the baby into her arms and crept towards Burke, "This is Xavier. If that's what you want to name him, that is. He came into the ER the night after we found out about my thing. They found him in a dumpster. He had positive tox screens for several illegal substances and he has seizures from time to time secondary to withdrawal." She laid the baby in Burke's arms, softening her voice, "He likes to lay on his left side most of the time, he's crankiest early in the morning- usually around three according to his chart, and he doesn't have any parents."

"Cristina." Burke swallowed down a large lump forming in his throat as his eyes trailed over the infant.

"I know that he's got a lot of problems. And I know that it seems like a stupid idea, maybe just a little bit crazy." She mumbled, kneeling next to him, "But this is what you wanted. Well, minus the seizures and drug thing- but those will go away."

"Cristina."

"And I have all these papers that I have to get turned in to the social worker by eight in the morning if we want to be considered, and you have to sign them." She rambled.

"Cristina."

"I guess we have to fill out all these background checks and they have to interview us. There's a paper about a home study or something. I guess they have to look at the apartment."

"Cristina." He finally snapped gently, trying not to disturb the baby.

"What?" She looked up at him with an undeniable plea in her eyes.

Burke knew that she was never going to admit to him that this was something that she wanted. He knew that she would never let him see her be excited about it, and he knew that she would always seem practical about the whole thing. Rationalization was her specialty.

He tried to process her idea quickly, knowing that there was only one answer that she was going to accept. He allowed his eyes to fall back to the sleeping infant in his arms and he smiled lightly, "So, Xavier?"

"Yeah. The social worker threatened to name him Bob." Cristina rolled her eyes, "I figured that if he was going to have to have a name that he should have a cool one or whatever. Not that Xavier is that cool, so don't make a big deal about it."

"I won't." He assured her quietly. "This won't be easy."

"Since when has anything in our life been easy?" She shrugged, "Why should starting a family be any different?"

Burke recognized his own words coming from her mouth and he couldn't help but grin. He carefully bent to kiss the top of her head, "Thank you." He mumbled softly.

Cristina glanced up at him with a half smile, seeing the warmth in his eyes. She felt slightly redeemed as she watched him study the baby- no, Xavier with a hint of excitement. So what if she couldn't give him a baby herself?

She could still give him a family.


	31. Chapter 31

Burke studied Cristina as he scribbled his signature onto the multiple forms she'd thrust into his hands after they left the NICU. Everything was exhausting. This baby, their misfortune, her avoidance, and now her idea- it was almost too much to handle. Through all of his own emotions, one questioned weighted the heaviest on his thoughts. "Is this what you want?"

She glanced up from her own forms, "You don't?"

He looked back down at his signature on another form. She was avoiding the question. He'd been married to her for years, and he had no clue how to trick her into giving him a straight answer. "I wanted a family. I just…I don't know if this is how we should do it. It's too soon, Cristina."

"Who says it's too soon? It's not like we actually lost a baby. There was no baby there. No baby equals no loss equals no big deal." She muttered as she finished her forms and thrust them onto the desk in front of her.

"It was a big deal."

Cristina pressed her lips together, "I….I didn't mean it like that. Look, Burke. It's like this. We can…take a chance now, we can try to adopt this ki-" She paused, "We can try to adopt Xavier. Or we can be miserable. It's totally up to you."

"We'll have to give up the apartment."

"I don't care. We've lived there forever." She lied. She hated the thought of giving up the apartment and she always had.

"You'll have to cut back on hours."

"I was going to have to cut back on hours before we found out that I have a broken ovary." She pointed out.

Burke clenched his jaw. "He has medical problems."

"Well, it's a good thing we're doctors then." She answered errantly, looking at her blank computer screen to avoid his gaze.

"He'll have a lot of appointments to go to."

"Okay. Well, it's a good thing we have a car." She muttered.

"Cristina." He finally sighed softly, "I just want you to realize how much responsibility that…" His voice trailed off.

"You make it sound like he's a puppy Burke and I'm a nine year old begging for him. I'm not. I'm not begging for this. I just want to give you what I couldn't give you on my own. So you can do one of two things; You can tell me to give up and tell me that I'm never going to be able to do that, or you can sign those damned forms and let me give you this thing you wanted." She finally snapped. She looked shocked by her own words and she looked down, "I'm sorry. I'm just…"

"I want this." He finally mumbled, "I want a family with you." He wasn't sure what else there was to say to her. He finished signing the forms and he laid them on top of hers. Grasping her hands in his, he knelt at her side and brushed his lips over her fingers. "Even if we cannot do this, Cristina." He began in a hushed voice.

"We can do this." She interrupted him.

"Let me finish." He kept his voice even and steady, "Even if we cannot do this, Cristina, you are enough for me. You are more than enough for me. When I married you I said that I would always love you, for better or for worse, and I meant it. No matter what, you're always what I want above anything else. You come first."

Silently, Cristina cursed him for being so damn sentimental. She never knew what to say to him in moments like these when he was professing his undying love or whatever. Frankly, it drove her notes, because she would never be good with words like he was.

Thankfully, her pager went off and broke the pressure that was laying on her to say something. She pulled it from her waist and glanced at it. "It's Andrea."

He raised an eyebrow at her, "Who is Andrea?"

"She's the social worker on Xavier's case. She said she needed the paperwork tomorrow morning, but this says that she needs it now." Cristina grabbed up the paperwork and tapped it on the side of the desk, aligning the edges.

She rose from the chair and stood next to Burke glancing up at him, "Don't you have a surgery or something to do?"

"Don't you think that I should meet 'Andrea' as well, Cristina?" He smirked, "I'm sure at some point she will want to meet me."

"Whatever. Fine. Meet her. Just don't be all…optimistic or anything." Cristina sighed as she walked away from him.

Burke followed her from the office, shaking her head. "Why wouldn't I be optimistic, Cristina? This could be our son we're talking about." The words 'our son' seemed so foreign to his lips. At the same time there was a pride building in his chest over this little boy that caused his heart to swell.

"Just…don't."

They rounded their way through the pits of the hospital in silence until they came to her office door and she raised her fist to knock on the door. It was trembling slightly and she tried her best to steady her hand, to hide the manifestation of her nerves from Burke. Her hand sat in front of the door frozen and she pulled it away, turning away from the door.

Burke glanced over at her and clenched his jaw. It was in that moment he knew that she wanted it. If she didn't, she wouldn't be so nervous. If she didn't want it, knocking on that door wouldn't be so daunting to her. He raised his own fist to the door and knocked softly then pulled it away. He reached out to grab her arm and pull her just a little closer.

The door pulled open and she pulled away a little, "You paged." Her voice became cold and detached.

"I did. I need those papers, now, Dr. Yang. There's another family interested in the baby."

"Xavier." Cristina corrected her, "His name is Xavier. And here are the papers."

Burke smirked at his wife and he shook his head, "Andrea." He held his hand out, "I'm Dr. Burke."

Andrea took his hand with bemusement, "As if I didn't know. At least you have manners, unlike your wife. But don't worry, I won't tell the CPS."

He withdrew his hand, looking at her in question.

"It's a joke, Dr. Burke." She assured him as she glanced over the paperwork.

"I'm sorry." He pulled his glasses from his face, "I'm just…"

"Nervous." Andrea answered with a smile, "It is okay. Your wife couldn't admit to it either. You're an amusing pair."

Cristina glanced up at Burke with a warning look, then back to Andrea, "So, what do we do now?"

"Now, Dr. Yang, you start thinking like parents. That's your son in the NICU, except he's not. You have to prove to me, to the nurses, to the CPS that you want this child. You'll spend every waking moment at his side, preparing your house, buying baby necessities." Andrea looked at her with an even gaze, "As of now, all eyes are on the two of you."


	32. Chapter 32

Cristina paced nervously outside the NICU. She glanced at her watch irritated. Burke was supposed to be there ten minutes ago. She let out an exaggerated sigh and leaned against the wall next to the door. "Where the hell is he?" She muttered to herself.

She glanced down the hall way as if on cue, to see him strolling down the hall at a leisurely pace with a grin on his face. She shot him a soured look and shook her head, "Where have you been? They're watching us!" She hissed.

"I had a report to finish. I doubt they're timing us, Cristina." He glanced down the hall to see it was clear and he bent to press a kiss to her forehead.

"They could be." She brushed him away, "Not now."

He drew his hands to his waist, his gaze locked with hers, "You need to relax."

"I'm relaxed. I'm fine. Do I not look fine?" She muttered in a hurried sentence. "We have to go in there and be parents."

Burke took a deep breath, "We have to be parents." It seemed like a fever dream to him. He discovered a baby and gained a 'son' all in the course of 14 hours. It was almost unnerving to him.

Cristina laid her hand on the knob of the door and then pulled it away. She spun and looked up to Burke, feeling her chest grow tight, "Burke, I don't know how to be a parent." She finally whispered in a hushed voice.

A nervous smile spread across his face for a second and he reached out to grasp her hands tightly. She tried to pull away, but he held tight so that she couldn't. "I don't know either. We're going to figure this out together."

"Yeah." She mumbled errantly.

"Cristina, look at me."

She shook her head and pulled her hands away more forcefully, "They're waiting for us."

Burke followed her as she pushed the door open and there was a cluster of staff gathered around Xavier. His heart dropped out of his chest as Cristina bolted from his side to the bedside. They had just gotten their chance at being parents. It would only be a cruel twist of fate for it to be taken away from them.

One he wasn't sure that they could recover from.

Cristina tried to push past the group of people unsuccessfully, "What's going on?"

She was met with silence as Burke came up behind her side. She listened intently for the sounds of a code being played out and she couldn't hear anything. She felt nauseated. She wanted to turn around and run out of the NICU, but pride wouldn't let her.

Burke peered over the group and he let out a sigh of relief. He grasped Cristina's arm tightly and leaned into her, "They're extubating him. That's all." His voice was soft and reassuring. His hand slid down to hers and he clasped it tightly, seeing the quiet panic storming in her eyes. "He's in a normal sinus rhythm. His respirations are 58. Not great, but not bad. His last pressure was 88/40, his temp probe is reading 37.1. He's perfect, Cristina."

She looked up at him and nodded softly, "He's okay." She repeated, the vitals bringing her back to a clear frame of mind. She still had to remind herself to take deep breath. She painted back on her façade of a cool exterior and looked on.

Slowly the group started to break up and she saw Addison standing over his bedside, "Cristina, Preston." She smiled lightly as she picked up the infant. "He looks good."

Burke smiled as he watched her cradle Xavier in her arms and he moved to her side, "May I?"

Addison nodded, "Of course..daddy." She chuckled to herself, "Sorry, I couldn't handle myself."

Cristina rolled her eyes, thinking to herself that the woman was such a spaz. She glanced up at the monitors again, "When did you decide to extubate?"

"Earlier this afternoon." Addison pulled his chart, "His labs are all in order. Two of his tox screens came back negative. His counts are still up just a little bit, so I want to continue the PICC line antibiotics."

Burke glanced at Cristina, then to Addison, "It's okay. We don't need all the specifics."

"Shut up honey, yes we do." She interrupted, reaching for Xavier's chart, "How high were his counts? And what antibiotic therapy are we doing? Are you just doing a broad spectrum therapy or did you do a culture and sensitivity. I would hate for him to end up with ARDS because he's…"

"Cristina."

"Burke." She sighed exasperated with him, "This is important stuff to know."

He resigned himself to letting her ask her questions and he sunk into the rocking chair, studying the child that could be his son. He drowned out the incessant medical chatter as he ran his fingers over the baby's soft skin to his hand. Xavier gripped at his finger and Burke felt a lump form in his throat. "You have a tight grip." He mumbled under his breath.

Cristina looked away from Addison for a moment when she heard him speak and she felt warmth race through her body as she watched Burke. She was actually giving him what he wanted. Her eyes softened as she saw Burke continue to whisper to the infant and rock gently in the rocking chair. She was jealous how it came so naturally to him.

She'd never be as good of a parent as he would.

"So I want to draw another tox screen in the morning and perhaps do an LP to see if we can determine the cause of his counts." Addison's voice sliced through her own thoughts once more.

Cristina stumbled back into their conversation, "Ye-yeah. That sounds good. An LP would be appropriate."

Addison gave her a quirky smile and signed off the chart and placed it back on the counter. "You'll both be great parents. And before you know it, you'll be able to take him home. I'm sure. Then it will be sleepless nights and endless diapers."

"Quit trying to scare her." Burke interrupted Addison's rambling, only half jokingly.

Cristina shot him a dirty look, "Thank you, Dr. Montgomery."

She nodded and left the two alone with the baby and Cristina knelt next to Burke, "He's not so bad looking with the ET tube out." She noted evenly.

"Do you want to hold him?" Burke offered, scooting to the edge of the rocker.

Her body stiffened and she shook her head, "No. The k-..dammit." She swore softly, then made a face. "Xavier is comfortable where he is. Besides, you two are bonding or whatever."

"You need to bond too."

"I will…just…not now. You bond. I'll watch. I'm watching." She lowered herself to the ground and drew her knees to her chest, hugging them. "You look like a father." She added in a voice just above a whisper.

"I do?"

Her eyes trailed over him slowly and she gave him a soft smile. "Yeah. You do."


	33. Chapter 33

"What about this one?" Burke mumbled, staring intently at the screen on his laptop.

Cristina groaned leaning over the counter to grasp at her coffee, "I told you, I don't care, Burke. They're all nice."

He let out a sigh and shook his head as he sipped at his own coffee. The cardboard boxes in their apartment were quickly encroaching on their space, but they still didn't have a new home. He didn't understand it. She obsessively packed up their lives, but she refused to pick a house. "Cristina. We have to get a house. They're going to do a homestudy soon, and if we don't have a home for them to study, we're not going to get our foster care license."

Cristina froze. She knew she was being stubborn and she knew that she was going to cost Burke his dream if she didn't at least give him some sort of answers. He would never pick a house out without her input and she knew that.

He gestured to her chair, "Please."

She sunk into her chair at the table, "I told you it doesn't matter to me. I like them all. All the houses are nice."

"Let's simplify this." Burke pulled his glasses from his face, "Do you want to live in the city or on the outskirts? In the suburbs?"

"Where are the good schools?" She asked quietly, pretending to care.

"We can send him to private school, so that's not important. Do you want to take the ferry to work or would you prefer to be able to drive in?" He felt his patience quickly slipping.

"I don't want the ferry."

And suddenly his patience was returning. It was the first solid thing he'd gotten from her. Maybe if he simplified it she wouldn't be so stubborn. "Okay. Do you want a two story house or a three story house?"

She traced her finger over the glass top table, "I don't want to live in a gated community." She finally mumbled, "I don't want to live somewhere that I can't have pink flamingos in my front yard if I want them there."

Burke laughed, "Do you want to put pink flamingos in the front yard?"

"No. But that's not the point."

He knew that he wasn't going to get anymore out of her than that. He glanced through the listings on his laptop screen, mentally eliminating all the gated communities. "There's a two story brick house on six acres about 25 minutes away from here." He began softly, "No neighbors to deal with, no traffic, a longer drive to work…but it seems worth it."

She glanced up at him, enchanted by the soothing tone in his voice, but said nothing.

"It's got five bedrooms, an office space, a den, three fireplaces, a large kitchen where I can cook you and Xavier wonderful dinners." He moved from his seat and reached down to her. "I can play my trumpet for you as loud as you like without worrying about who we're keeping awake." He mumbled, pulling her into his arms.

She melted against him. She hated him for being so charming when she wanted to be ambivalent. "I don't want to give up the apartment." She finally mumbled after a few minutes of silence in his arms. "I mean, I know that we've got Xavier, and I know that we have to buy a house…but…"

She hated herself. She wasn't a sentimental person. She didn't understand why the apartment meant so much to her. She didn't understand why she didn't want to let it go.

"It's our home." He finished her sentence for her. He brushed his lips over her forehead, "But we can make a new home with Xavier."

Cristina sighed. She didn't want to make a new home. She didn't want to start over. She hated change. She hated that she had to change so much for this baby. To her it was a bitter reminder that she couldn't give him a baby on her own. If she could give her a baby on her own, there wouldn't be a homestudy, there wouldn't be interviews and paperwork.

They could buy a house in their own time and not have to worry about what some case worker thought of it.

She carried these doubts and feelings on her shoulders as if they were the weight of the world, but she refused to tell Burke about them. He was excited, and she wasn't going to take that away from him.

"Come back to me, Cristina." He whispered, tipping her chin up so that their gazes were even.

She looked up at him, trying to hide the emotions stirring within her, "How much is it?"

"We can afford it." He replied firmly. "Do you want to look at it?"

Cristina took a deep breath, "Yeah. Let's look at it. When?"

"After we go spend some time with Xavier this morning I can schedule some time. I'll have to call the realtor." He snaked his fingers through her curls, "I know that this isn't easy for you."

"It's fine. I'm fine." She shrugged him off, "I need to take a shower…so we can go see Xavier."

Burke dropped his hands to his side and watched as she brushed past him towards their bedroom and he sunk back down in front of his laptop. She'd grown so distant in the past few days. They practically lived in the NICU and at the hospital. He'd grown quite attached to Xavier over such a short period of time but he was still unsure of how she felt. At first he felt as if she might want it as badly as he did, that she was trying so hard because she wanted it too.

Now he felt as if she was just going through the motions to placate him.

Whatever the situation, he knew there was no turning back for them now. He couldn't bear the thought of giving up on the little boy that he'd very quickly fallen in love with.

He just hoped that she'd come around.


	34. Chapter 34

"This is ridiculous. This is absolutely ridiculous. We're interviewing to be parents." Cristina muttered, pulling at the hem of her skirt. "I've got on high heels and I'm dressed like a mom or whatever and we're interviewing to be parents. I mean, seriously. What kind of questions do they ask you? 'Do you have any previous experience in this position?'"

Burke wrapped an arm around her waist and was surprised when she didn't pull away. "You are nervous." He commented lightly.

"Keeping up the image. Don't try to pull this crap at the hospital." She muttered at him.

"Cristina, it's just an interview. You thrive on this kind of stuff."

"I don't thrive on my answers deciding whether or not you're going to get to be a father." She hissed under her breath.

"You'll get to be a mom." He reminded her gently.

She glanced at him and fought back a comment about it not mattering. It was his dream that mattered right now. She wouldn't go through this for herself. It wasn't even her dream.

It was his.

"Dr. Yang? Dr. Burke?" A woman appeared in the doorway of the waiting room they were pacing in.

Cristina looked up with a forced smile, "That's us."

"Follow me."

They were led through a dingy office space that smelled of day old doughnuts and cheap coffee and Cristina tried her best to keep from wrinkling her nose in disgust. She glanced through cubicles in wonder with tall stacks of paperwork.

She recognized the paperwork.

It was children. Waiting to be processed, recorded, filed in a database. Children waiting for families, waiting for somebody to take them home and claim them as her own.

Her stomach churned at the realization and she focused her eyes on the back of the woman leading them through the office. They were ushered into a small room laden with the smell of a potluck lunch and it only intensified the waves running through her stomach.

"Have a seat." She smiled.

Cristina glanced at the panel of people waiting to interrogate them. They looked disgruntled and tired, and very much ready to pick them apart. They waited a few minutes, and she couldn't figure out exactly what the holdup was. They were there. What was taking so long?

Finally, a young white woman and her husband were ushered to the room and they smiled nervously. Cristina recognized her as the other woman trying to steal her baby. She hadn't had an opportunity to talk to her yet, mostly because Burke wouldn't let her- he was afraid that she might do something that would get them in trouble. The woman placed a plate of cookies on the table, "For the board." She smiled, "You guys have a long day, and I figured that this might make it a little easier."

Cristina's eyes widened at Burke, "Why didn't you bake cookies?" She hissed.

"Relax." He chided gently.

The couple settled in the seats next to Burke and Cristina and Burke offered them a warm smile, nudging Cristina in her side. She forced a smile then turned her attention back to the board. How could they possibly pass up two surgeons for that frumpy looking woman and her husband?

"We're here in the matter of baby boy Xavier, life number 09840-0A. Parties attending are Dr. Cristina Yang and Dr. Preston Burke and Mrs. Joanna Hertz and her husband, Phillip Hertz." One of the panel members spoke, her voice laden with damage from years of cigarette smoking.

The man across from Cristina and Burke cleared his throat and pushed his oversized wire-rimmed glasses up on his nose, "Dr. Burke and Dr. Yang, it says here that you are both cardiothoracic surgeons at Seattle Grace hospital. Can you tell me what your career consists of as far as hours and work requirements?"

Cristina took a deep breath and looked at Burke. They both remained silent, one waiting for the other to answer and finally Burke spoke emitting a quiet sigh of relief from Cristina.

"We're heart surgeons." His voice was soft, "It is a lot of hours currently, but I have the seniority and the say that I could cut my hours back as needed. Cristina is in her fellowship and she has to work to make hourly requirements, but she is also very capable of cutting back her work hours." He glanced at Cristina.

"Oh, of course. I can cut back my hours." She added with a very fake chuckle. She didn't fancy the idea of cutting her hours back at all.

"Mrs. Hertz, what is it that you do for a living?"

"I'm a stay at home mother. We have two other children that we've adopted through this division as you know." She smiled warmly, "One of them a case very similar to our little Xavier's."

"He is not hers." She hissed at Burke.

"Dr. Yang?" The man addressed her with a harsh tone.

"Yes, sir?" She snapped to attention.

"Is there a question that you might have?"

"No, not at all sir." She looked down sheepishly at the table.

Burke grasped Cristina's hand under the table, trying to get her to calm down. He had never seen her so incredibly worked up over something. He smiled just a little inwardly at her possessiveness of Xavier. He took the moments of reassurance when he could get them, and that outburst definitely qualified as one.

The questioning drug on and Cristina felt like they had been brought to the slaughter. There were questions that caught even Burke off guard. They didn't know anything about being parents, how the hell were they supposed to know how they were going to punish their children? Punishment hadn't even crossed their mind. The questions continued to get more and more intimate as the panel went along and Cristina found herself divulging information about her family that she wasn't even sure that Burke had known about.

She shifted uncomfortably under the gaze of the panel as she explained her father's death and how she went to live with her parents. She may have lied about being spiritual. Especially since Betty Crocker and her husband stated that 'they go to church every Sunday. Sunday is reserved for the Lord'. She remembered distinctly rolling her eyes at that comment and she also remembered the cross look she got from the executioner. Examiner.

Same difference.

"In closing, I'd like each prospective parent to tell me exactly what you know about Xavier. What makes him special? This could be a difficult question since he's just a newborn and we don't have a lot of newborn cases, but it's a question that really explains the attachment that you have for this child."

Burke's blood ran cold through his veins. He questioned Cristina's attachment to the child himself. He was sure that the board would question it even more sternly. He unconsciously tightened his grip on her hand almost willing her an un-Cristina-like answer.

They 'graciously' allowed the Betty Crocker couple to go first and Cristina frowned inwardly at their perfect answer. Of course she brought up how she had adopted from this division for the fiftieth time this meeting and she talked about the dimple in his chin. That was her dimple. Betty Crocker wasn't allowed to mention it. She mentally eliminated every sugary sweet thing that she could think of from her list as Betty Crocker listed them all off.

Cristina felt hope slipping away.

Had she known that they were going to expect her to be the prime example of what a mother should be, she would've never even tried. She was going to cheat Burke of his dream once again, and this time it had nothing to do with her physiology.

It would simply be because she wasn't good enough.

And then they came to Cristina.

"Why is Xavier so special to you?" The examiner repeated the question.

She let out a deep breath, fighting for words, "I was working the night he came in. I was in the Pit.."

"The pit?" The examiner interrupted her.

"The emergency room." Burke filled him in. He glanced back to Cristina wondering where she was going with her answer already.

"Anyway, I was working in the _emergency room_ the night that he came in. The umbilical stump was tied in a knot, and he had severe respiratory depression and he was bradycardic. I intubated him and took him to CT and ordered all of his scans. I started his central line and got him transported to the NICU. He was strong. He didn't cry much, which is impressive because typically neonates going through drug withdrawal cry. It's a shrill, high pitched cry…that's the primary clinical manifestation of drug withdrawal, anyway. Besides the tox screens."

"Cristina…" Burke whispered low.

"So, I followed his case for a few days and he started getting better. He has seizures from time to time, but he has a nice normal sinus rhythm without runs of tachycardia and he's taking full feedings. We have him on narrow spectrum antibiotics to reduce the risk of antibiotic resistance disease. He's really…"

"Dr. Yang, you're speaking of this child as a patient. The question was what makes him special to you. We didn't ask for a full blown medical report."

She made a face and looked at the examiner, "See, but this is the thing. I'm a doctor. A surgeon. Medicine is all I know. I can't take him home yet, I can't see past the medicine and the heart monitors and lines. I see those things. Mrs. Hertz and her husband have children already; they know what to look for. This is new territory for me, for Dr. Burke. I may not be the most qualified mother you've ever seen, but I am the most qualified for Xavier. I know his history, I know the medicine. I know that he likes to lie on his right side after his feedings, even though he should really lie on his left. I know that he'd rather be carried in a colic carry rather than rock, unless it's Burke doing it. If Burke has him, he wants to be rocked. I know that when he can't be calmed down that he prefers Eugene Foote's live CD instead of the studio recordings, probably because of the white noise from the applause of the audience, and I know that if you give me a chance, that I can tell you what's special about him. If you give us a chance…" Her voice trailed off.

"Thank you, Dr. Yang."

Cristina settled back in her seat and closed her eyes for just a moment as Burke rattled off a list of sentimentalities that she couldn't come up with to even out their answer. She felt the last bits of his dream slip from her fingers as they were harshly informed that they would be notified of a decision within twenty-one days.

She felt uneasy as she watched Betty Crocker and her husband laugh and fraternize with the panel outside of the conference room as her and Burke walked away. They made their way towards the elevators and she felt her resolve falling apart slowly.

"That wasn't too bad." He finally mumbled, seeing the disappointment in Cristina's eyes.

"Too bad? They set us up for failure! I mean, seriously? They gave us Betty Crocker who has experience and she brought them cookies. She had all the perfect answers and she already knew the questions. They might as well have not brought us here at all." She snapped. "How am I supposed to know what's special about Xavier? How am I supposed to know what makes him special? He's a baby. He's a baby that I can't have, that I can't give you and they're going to get him because they got to cheat for the test. They already knew the questions and the answers."

Burke's heart ached for his wife as she spouted her insecurities to him. There were very few times that he'd seen her like this, and every time it always caught him off guard. "Cristina, your answers were fine." He finally spoke softly.

"My answer was not fine. My answer was _medicine_. You heard the examiner."

He clenched his jaw, trying to find something to say to take away her pain.

"And what the hell is up with this applying to be a mother? How the hell did that happen? How is it that I have to fill out an application, get my stupid fingerprints done, be interrogated and then have them pick my home apart just so we can have a kid? We're surgeons. We handle human lives everyday. We should be exempt from this crap." She muttered.

"Do you want to give up?" He asked her evenly.

She paused, glancing up at him, "We don't have an answer yet."

"But we can give up. We can just let the other couple take him, since they're obviously more qualified than we are." There was a tone of challenge to his voice that he knew that she needed. She needed to realize that this was just another competition for her to win.

Cristina smirked at him, "Oh no. I see what you're doing. It's not going to work on me."

"I'm not doing anything. I'm asking a simple question that only requires a simple answer."

"No you're not. You're trying to make me all competitive or whatever, and it's not going to work." She muttered as they stepped off the elevator and started towards their car.

"You didn't answer me."

She stepped outside of the tinted glass doors and paused, letting the cool Seattle rain tickle her face and arms. Letting out a deep breath, she turned to face him. Determination painted itself across her face, "We don't have an answer yet. And it's not over until it's over, and I'm going to fight like hell until we get one."

Burke grinned from ear to ear. Wordlessly, he wrapped an arm tightly around her waist and guided her towards the car.

Cristina leaned in against him, matching him step for step. In her head, she was already formulating a plan of action. She wasn't going down without a fight; she wasn't giving up his dream that easily. Slowly, getting Xavier became more tangible once again as she decided on a plan of action.

It was time for her to start fighting dirty.


	35. Chapter 35

"They're not here yet." Cristina muttered, picking at the hem of her shirt. "They were supposed to be here five minutes ago and they're not here yet."

"They're late, so what? It's five more minutes that you have to relax." Burke mumbled, glancing out the window onto their newly purchased property.

She let out a long sigh, and turned to look at him. "If we bought this house and spent countless hours on the phone with my mother to decorate it and they don't show up, I'm going to be very unhappy."

"They'll show up, Cristina."

"Not if they automatically picked Betty Crocker." She muttered.

Burke shook his head at her and glanced back out the window, "We needed a bigger space anyway."

"Not just for the two of us. There's no point in a bigger space if it's just the two of us." She protested, "We don't need four bedrooms."

"Five." He corrected her with a grin. "And we can use five bedrooms."

"What the hell do we need five bedrooms for?"

Slowly, Burke walked over to her hand grasped her hips tightly, pulling her close, "I can think of a lot of things we can do with five bedrooms."

She smirked, pushing him away, "We did that just fine with one bedroom."

"And a couch."

"And a kitchen counter."

"And a shower." He added with a grin.

"Okay, so five bedrooms isn't such a bad idea." She shrugged, "Whatever."

Burke bent to brush her lips over hers, but she pushed him away before he could.

"They're here."

Her eyes focused on a miserly old woman coming to the door. She was wearing polyester pants and a matching jacket and Cristina struggled to determine exactly which decade she'd just traveled from. She pulled open the door with a forced smile on her face, "Hi, Mrs…"

"Wintour. You must be Dr. Yang?"

Cristina nodded slightly, "And this is Dr. Burke."

"Nice to meet you." She stood outside the door, staring expectantly at Cristina.

Cristina turned to Burke with a look on her face and he rushed to her side, "Please, Mrs. Wintour, come in."

The woman stepped inside the house and immediately her eyes began to scan it, "Thank you, Dr. Burke." She scribbled down some notes on a yellow notepad, "I have three other appointments this afternoon, so we'll have to make this quick. So if you'll show me around."

Cristina stepped back and watched nervously as Burke took the lead. The woman sneered at some things and cleared her throat at others and Cristina shifted nervously behind them. The house wasn't bad, so what the hell was the faces for.

"It's a large space." She finally noted aloud, "But I've noticed that you haven't childproofed anything."

"We only just moved in a week ago." Burke nodded evenly, "We've purchased the equipment to do so."

"You've only just moved in a week ago? So this house is a recent purchase?" The woman paused, glancing at the two of them.

"Yes. We lived in an apartment in the city prior to living here." Cristina confirmed, wrapping an arm around Burke, "We wanted to move to the suburbs. There are better schools here, and we have plenty of space for him to run around."

"Straight into your fireplace, I suppose." Mrs. Wintour made a face.

"Excuse me?" Burke nearly choked on the words.

"Fireplaces are hazardous for children. Did you even research what kind of living space that you should have when you have children?"

"A lot of people that have children have fireplaces." Cristina protested.

"Their children also end up with third degree burns." She scribbled down some notes onto her paper and proceeded, "Let's continue."

Burke glanced down at Cristina as the woman continued forward with raised eyebrows and Cristina made a sour face, then pulled her forward. "Let me show you Xavier's room." He smiled pushing open a door just at the top of the long staircase.

"It's awfully close to the staircase don't you think? There's a great potential for falls."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "We've purchased latching gates so that won't be an issue."

"You've never had experience with crafty toddlers, have you Dr. Yang?" The woman scoffed, walking into the room.

Cristina bit back a comment about never having children, let alone having toddlers. She narrowed her eyes as the woman ran her eyes over the decorated nursery. Her mother had insisted upon Noah's Ark, and she was sure that the woman would have something to say about that as well. Perhaps she'd make a remark about elephants giving the children nightmares.

Mrs. Wintour remained silent as she scribbled down some notes and continued out of the room. "The rest of these rooms, what are they?"

"Spare bedrooms, and the office." Burke smiled, "I can show them to you if you like."

"I am here to do a home study, Dr. Burke. I will leave no corner of this house unturned. Where is the master suite?"

"Right here." Cristina feigned a smile as she pushed open a door at the far end of the hall.

"It's a bit far from the nursery, don't you think?"

"We have a bassinet." Cristina shot back at her, feeling her temper get the best of her.

The woman's outdated heels echoed through the hall as she made her way into the master suite and glanced around for a moment. "Another fireplace." She mumbled as she made some notes and exited the room.

The uncomfortable inspection of their new home continued on for what seemed like forever and finally they were ushering her to the door. "When will we hear about the study?" Cristina asked, anxiety in her tone.

"When did they say that you'd receive a decision from the division?" The woman snapped, "Twenty-one days from the hearing. That's when you'll receive your decision. I'll make my recommendations to the board regarding your homestudy."

"And what will those recommendations be, Mrs. Wintour?" Burke finally spoke up. "Is there anything that I can change now?"

"I recommend buying a child friendly home the next time you intend to adopt. Good day."

The two watch as she got into her car and disappeared down the driveway. Cristina turned to Burke, "We're so screwed."

"No we're not. This house is fine. There is nothing wrong with our house." He tried to assure her, pulling her into his arms.

"No, the house isn't 'child friendly'. We have fireplaces and our bedroom is too far from the nursery, and stainless steel appliances harbor bacteria and we have stairs." She muttered, "We should've moved into a trailer and decorated with legos. Maybe that would be child friendly."

Burke laughed, "We're not out of it yet. We still have eight days before we hear anything."

"Eight days before we hear that we bought this house for no reason at all, you mean."

"Five bedrooms." He uttered low in her ear, "We can do plenty with five bedrooms." He brushed his lips over the skin under her ear.

"Not now. I'm going to go make crap child friendly." She mumbled, pulling away from him.

Burke watched as Cristina disappeared into the kitchen and he clenched his jaw. He wanted so badly to give her a positive sign that they would make it through this. He felt that the deeper they got into the process of adopting Xavier, the more distant she grew. He followed her into the kitchen and grasped her wrist tightly, "Come on."

"Burke, not now. I have to make it baby proof or whatever. What if they do a surprise thing and come back to see if I put the ugly little plastic things in the outlets?" She sighed, trying to pull away.

"We're going to see Xavier." He pulled harder on her wrist, pulling her towards the door.

"Why?"

He brushed an errant curl from her face before leaning in to kiss her softly, "Because you need a reminder as to why we're putting ourselves through this."

She smiled lightly, nodding but not really feeling it. "Okay. Let's go see Xavier."

"In eight days, he'll be ours." Burke uttered low, wrapping her in his embrace.

"I know." She lied, her gaze connecting with his. "In eight days, you'll be a daddy or whatever."

"And in eight days you'll be a mom." He pressed.

"That doesn't matter. What matters is that we go see, Xavier. Remember? You're supposed to remind me why we're doing this." She shrugged herself out of his arms.

He pulled her back to him, "Why don't we go test bedroom number three first?" He reached down to grab her legs and wrap them around his waist. He carried her up the stairs with a grin on his face as she let out a genuine laugh.

"You can't do this when there's a gate there." She reminded him in a mocking voice.

He pushed open the door to the 'third bedroom' and lowered her to the bed, hovering over her gently. "We'll just have our crafty toddler open it."


	36. Chapter 36

Cristina pushed open the door to the NICU greeted by pitiful glances from the nurses as she made her way towards Xavier. Silently, she wandered to herself what was up because normally the nurses didn't even look at her.

And then she saw her.

"Joanne." Cristina greeted, trying to force warmth into her chilly tone.

"Dr. Yang." She smiled at her, "I was just spending some time with Xavier. Phillip took the kids so we could have some quality time together."

Jealousy twinged at Cristina's heart as she watched the woman cuddle with Xavier. He belonged to her and Burke, not this Betty Crocker wannabe and her husband. "So, you have other kids?"

"We have two. Both of them adopted." She nodded softly, glancing down at Xavier. "We always wanted a full house."

Cristina narrowed her eyes at the woman, but forced a smile, "Two is plenty, isn't it?"

"Two will never be enough, Dr. Yang." She glanced up at Cristina, "Adoption is tough. The interviews and the home studies. It's a lot of work, but it's rewarding when you get to bring home little guys like Xavier." She looked down at him with a serene smile, cooing at him.

"It's not that hard." Cristina lied.

"So what's your story? Why adoption? Is the job too demanding for pregnancy?" Joanne asked, never taking her eyes off of Xavier.

"That's a personal question."

"My husband is sterile. And we could try the sperm donor, but I figured adoption was the best way to go. These kids need love. I want to adopt as many children as I can."

"I'll be happy with just adopting Xavier." Cristina shot at her, a competitive edge cutting through her tone.

Joanne grinned, "The competition is always unnerving for me."

"I thrive on it."

She rocked gently back and forth in the chair, intimidated by Cristina's demeanor. She'd never encountered another perspective parent quite like her. "I'll be gone in about another thirty minutes, and then you can spend your time with him."

"Are you asking me to leave?"

"If you don't mind, I'd just like to spend some quiet time with him."

Cristina pressed her lips together, wishing the woman would just disappear and leave Xavier alone. She glanced up at the monitor and grinned to herself. She glanced at Xavier as he started to cry and it only solidified her plan. "Oh….I need to look at him. That's not good."

Joanne froze, looking up at Cristina. "What's wrong with him?"

Cristina pulled Xavier from her arms and laid him into the crib, pulling her stethoscope from her neck. "He's having runs of sinus rhythm." She pressed her stethoscope to his chest, not really listening to anything, "He's got eupnea…and his bowel sounds are normoactive." Cristina pulled out her pen light and quickly shone it into both of Xavier's eyes, "He's reactive to light and accommodation…" She glanced up at a nurse that was shaking her head at her and she made a face, "Page Dr. Montgomery."

"But he looks fine." Joanne protested.

"That's the thing about these babies with drug withdrawal. They look fine until it's too late." She snapped at the woman as she grabbed a normal saline flush from the counter and hooked it to the hub of his PICC line and flushed it. "His PICC line is patent. This isn't good."

"Dr. Yang…" Joanne started.

"Not now, Mrs. Hertz. I have to focus my attention on Xavier. I can visit with you after I get him stabilized." Cristina waved her off, still pretending to do an assessment.

Joanne nodded simply, "I…I have to go." Her voice was shaking and she grabbed up her purse and quickly left the bedside without another word. Before pushing open the door to the NICU to make her exit she glanced back at Cristina with a half smile on her face and continued through the door.

Cristina watched until the doors to the NICU were closed and she grinned down at Xavier, "Good job." She smirked and scooped him up into her arms. She ran her finger over the dimple on his chin softly and he smiled lightly.

"Reflexes." She mumbled to herself.

She glanced up at the clock as she gently swayed back and forth with Xavier in her arms. She had a few more minutes before Burke would get there and silently she wished that it'd come sooner than later, knowing that Xavier preferred him anyway.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Andrea pulled open her office door to find Joanne in her face. "Joanne, can I help you with something?"

"Actually, Andy, you can. I want to withdraw my application to adopt baby Xavier." Joanne smiled softly.

"Oh God, what did Yang do?" She sighed, sinking into her chair, "You never back down from a kid, Joanne."

"She tried to trick me with the medical lingo."

"It didn't come up in the interview that you were previously a nurse?" Andrea looked up at her with raised eyebrows.

Joanne laughed lightly, "No. She pulled him from my arms and told me that he had normal respirations and a normal heart rate and normal bowel sounds and reactive pupils and that his PICC line was in place and functioning perfectly fine. She's sneaky. Good, but sneaky. Had I not known what she was talking about, I would've been scared."

Andrea chuckled to herself, "She's something else, that girl. A little rough around the edges."

"She is."

"You really want to give up on this kid? He's really sweet, and you've been trying to adopt an infant since you got TJ." Andrea sighed, glancing at the mess of papers on her desk.

"I want Xavier." Joanne nodded, "Just not as bad as Dr. Yang does."

Andrea smiled, "I'll let the division know."

"Thank you, Andrea." She turned to walk out the door then paused, "Fight for them, Andrea. Fight for them like you fought for me and Phillip the first time we adopted."

"I'll try."

"And don't tell Dr. Yang I'm a nurse. It'll take away…from her fight. I don't want to do that."

"The look on her face would be priceless." Andrea half feigned disappointment.

"The look on her face when she finds out that she's going to be a mother will be even moreso." Joanne assured her before walking away from the office and out of the hospital.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Cristina sat lightly in the rocker, gently rocking Xavier back and forth with her eyes closed. Two hours had passed and Burke still wasn't there. She figured that he'd gotten caught up in surgery and she knew that she should probably go check but she told herself she'd wait a few minutes.

That was an hour and fifty-five minutes ago.

She felt a pair of soft lips brush over her forehead and she opened her eyes to find Burke standing over her, "Hi baby." She mumbled quietly.

"You tired?" He asked softly, pulling a chair over next to her and settling into it.

"No."

She glanced at him, "You can take him…I've had him for a couple hours. You need to spend time with him."

"I'm perfectly content watching my beautiful wife hold my beautiful son." He mumbled and reached over to place a soft and lingering kiss on her cheek.

She turned to catch his lips with hers for a split second and pulled away, "He's not our son yet."

"We will be."

Cristina shifted lightly to face him better, "What do you mean?"

"Andrea paged me and told me that Mr. and Mrs. Hertz have withdrawn their application. We're the only family in the running right now. They can bring in other families, but she said that they'll finish our application process before advancing with anybody else." He couldn't mask the smile that spread from ear to ear.

"I wonder what made them withdraw their application." She bit the inside of her lip hard to hold back her own smile. She knew that Betty Crocker would give up easily.

"I'm also supposed to tell you that Andrea said 'Well played.' What did you do, Cristina?"

Cristina shook her head, "Why do you think I did anything?"

"Because the last time somebody told you well played it was me and you were acting like a girl." He smirked.

"Well, maybe I was acting like a good mother." She snapped, causing Xavier to startle gently. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, trying to soothe him before the crying even set in.

"You _are_ a good mother."

"Whatever. Are you going to sit there and lecture me or are you going to sit back and enjoy watching your family?"

Burke found himself grinning again at her words and he rolled his chair closer to her. He wrapped an arm tightly around her and glanced down at the sleeping infant in her arms.

For the first time in years, he felt complete.


	37. Chapter 37

Cristina paced nervously at Xavier's bedside, wringing her hands. Waiting was never easy for her. Especially whenever she was waiting to find out if the division had given them the go ahead to take Xavier home. Twenty one days moved too slowly for her taste.

She glanced over at Burke rocking him gently in the rocker and a faint smile played across her lips. It was a bitter sweet moment. It looked so natural for him to have a baby in his arms, yet it could be the last time that he'd be able to hold Xavier.

It could be the last time that they'd be able to delude themselves that they were going to be parents. Their future rested on the hands of disgruntled and overworked social workers and that very thought did nothing to ease her mind.

"Are you sure you don't want to hold him, Cristina?" Burke's voice cut through her thoughts and she glanced over at him.

"No. He's happy where he's at." She glanced up at the clock, "She said she'd be up here at nine."

"And it's nine-fifteen. She's probably wound up with a different case. She'll be here." He rocked Xavier gently as he studied her. He'd never seen her so tense before. He couldn't help but smile to know that she was as nervous as he was.

Cristina leveled her gaze at Burke, "Why are you smiling?"

"Because you're nervous." He replied evenly.

"I'm not nervous. I just don't like when people aren't on time." She sighed, brushing a stray curl from her face.

Burke rose softly from the rocker and crossed to Cristina, "Hold him." He uttered softly, placing Xavier into her arms.

She pressed her lips together as she took Xavier into her arms. She closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of the baby lotion on his skin and she brushed her lips over the top of his head. Instantly, she felt herself waiting for time to slow. She wasn't ready to hear the answer yet.

She wasn't ready for Andrea to tell her that Xavier would not be theirs.

Burke wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her forehead, "We'll be able to take him home in a couple days. His labs are improving and his scans are pure."

"You don't know that."

"I checked them both myself."

"No. You don't know that we'll be able to take him home. That woman tore our house apart." She sighed, unconsciously pulling Xavier closer to her body.

He pulled her closer, "We will take him home." He repeated calmly.

Cristina leaned against him, trying to focus her thoughts. Despite everything they'd been through she had managed to give Burke the family he wanted. She had managed to work through an application process and an interview and the homestudy from hell without offending too many people.

And it all paled in comparison to the pain of waiting and not knowing.

Minutes slowly ticked by as they waited for their answer and she finally pushed Xavier back into Burke's arms. "I'm going to find her." She muttered as she walked away from him before he could protest.

The walk to Andrea's office felt more like a death march. The closer she grew to the door, the faster her heart began to beat. Her chest grew tight and she felt a hard lump form in the back of her throat. She wasn't ready to know.

Her feet felt like lead as she made the final few steps to Andrea's office and she rose her hand to knock on the door softly.

"Come in." A disgruntled voice floated from behind the door.

With a soft sigh, Cristina pushed the door open. "So, nine was about forty-five minutes ago. Just in case you forgot how to tell time."

"Yang. I wondered when you'd finally be impatient enough to stalk me down. I'm surprised that my pager hasn't been going off incessantly. Sit down." She smirked, motioning to the chair. She shuffled through some papers on her desk, muttering to herself.

Cristina stood at the doorway, "I'm not really here to visit. I just want an answer."

"Sit down." Her voice was firm and Cristina sunk into the chair.

She watched the woman closely for any positive or negative sign that they had won their case, that they would be able to take Xavier home- but she was unreadable.

"You will be assigned a caseworker to follow you through the 180 waiting period. At that point, you will be assigned an attorney to begin the final adoptions process. There are classes that you and your husband will have to take prior to the final adoption process and the caseworker will line those up for you." She began rambling as she stacked one paper on top of another. "You will be responsible for all of his cares. A small stipend will be paid to you every month for expenses. Daycare is provided by the division with a co-pay at some centers, depending on which fancy school you decide to send him to."

"Wait..wait…let's start at the beginning." Cristina stammered, "You're telling me this because…"

"I'm telling this because you're a mother, Dr. Yang. The division has accepted your application for custody of Xavier. Well, technically, Xavier Burke, since you're the only prospective parents and he is without a last name, he picks up yours. No matter the outcome of the 180 day waiting period, if you decide to forfeit your rights to the infant he will retain the last name, unless you prefer a different name be assigned to him."

Cristina nearly choked on her words, "Burke…Burke is fine."

"Good. Because that's what I told them." Andrea handed her a stack of papers, "These papers are for your information from the division about the resources available to you. The card on top is the name of the temporary caseworker on the case. You'll need to call her once you get Xavier home so she can schedule home visits to check up on him from time to time."

"Do we have to sign something before we take him home? Are there papers or can we just take him?"

"He's not a car, Yang. You've done everything required to take him home. The only thing you have to do is take him home and wait six months and then he'll be yours forever. No caseworkers, no division." She smiled faintly. "Not that you're nervous or anything."

"I don't get nervous." Cristina smirked at her.

"So that's it. Take your papers and get out of my office. I have work to do."

Cristina rose from her chair slowly, everything swirling around her. Her heart was beating more rapidly that it had been on her trip to the office. She paused at the doorway and turned to look at Andrea, "Hey…I just wanted to thank you or whatever for helping us. Burke really wanted this, y'know…and anyway. Just thanks."

"You want it too." Andrea replied evenly without looking up from her papers.

"Yeah..well, not as bad as he did." Cristina shrugged and walked away from the office.

A grin spread across her face that she couldn't seem to remove. Everything had come together. The only thing they had to wait for was the last of his labs to come down, for the residual infection to resolve and they'd be able to take him home.

She pushed the door open to the NICU and bit the inside of her lip to tear the smile from her face as she approached Burke.

"Did you find her?" He asked quietly, nerves tickling at his own stomach.

"I did."

"And?"

"We're parents. Whatever." She smirked as she caught his gaze, "We can take him home when he's discharged."

Burke reached out to her pulling her close, "Thank you." He whispered against her soft curls as he tightened his arm around her.

She leaned into him, happiness leaking into every crevice of her body. The light in his eyes, the grin on his face, the joy in his intonation- every bit of it was worth the wait for her. Despite everything that had gone wrong she'd still managed to give him the family he so desperately wanted. "It was nothing."


	38. Chapter 38

The ride to the hospital was silent. Tensions nested themselves inside of their bodies the closer they grew closer. Their minds wandered at a million miles a minute trying to absorb the levity of the situation.

They were taking him home today.

They pulled into the parking lot, and pulled themselves from the car. Burke wrapped his arm around Cristina tight and protective and they took their first step together towards the hospital. Their chests were tight and their airways constricted. It all seemed so surreal.

They were taking him home today.

Their hearts raced jointly as Burke laid his hand across the cold steel handle of the NICU's door to push it open. Cristina held to his side tighter, trying to focus on breathing. They continued through the door and into the NICU. They started down the carpeted path to Xavier's bedside and in the same moment they froze. They weren't ready for this.

How would they ever be ready for this?

Addison stood at the bedside looking over Xavier. Her eyes trailed up to the monitor and she shook her head before glancing back down at the baby. She glanced up to see Burke and Cristina standing a few feet away from them. Swallowing down a lump in her throat she approached them slowly. She laid her hand over Burke's arm. "We did…everything that we could."

Burke heard her words, but his mind couldn't process them. They were taking him home today. They were supposed to take him home today.

"What was it?" Cristina asked softly, her voice trembling. She dug her fingers into the back of Burke's hand trying to hold onto something real; fighting to keep her composure.

"A seizure." Addison breathed, trying to keep herself together, "They had taken him off the monitors to prepare him for discharge and the home apnea monitor that he was placed on didn't alarm when he…" Her voice trailed off. "I'm so sorry."

"His scans were.." Burke protested.

"His scans were pure. His labs were improving." Addison confirmed, "Secondary epilepsy is not uncommon with drug addicted babies."

"You don't think I know that?" Cristina snapped at her, then withdrew. "Why…why didn't they stay with him while he was on the monitor?" Her voice evened out and she pressed her lips together as she searched Addison. She needed answers.

"The monitor was functioning fine and the nurse stepped away to attend to another infant, Cristina. This isn't anybody's fault." Addison tried to keep her voice soothing.

An uncomfortable silence hung between the three of them for countless minutes. Cristina's eyes wondered to each nurse standing around the NICU wondering which one had not been there. She had wondered which one was careless enough to let Xavier just die.

She knew that it was better that she didn't know.

"Do you want to see him? To…" Addison paused, fighting to find the right words. "You should hold him. Say goodbye."

"I don't think-" Cristina started, but Burke cut her off.

"We want to see him." Burke's voice was strained, but even. His eyes trailed to the bedside where their son lay under a warmer free of tubes and lines, swaddled in a blue fleece blanket.

Cristina's grip on Burke loosened slightly and he pulled her towards the warmer. "I-I-" She stammered, "Burke, I can't do this…" Her voice was no more than a whisper as she glanced at him in horror. "Burke…" A tear slipped down her cheeks as she looked up to him, "I can't do this."

He pulled her into his arms, holding her tight, "You have to, Cristina. We have to. We're doing this together." He didn't want to do it anymore than she did, but he knew that they had to. He knew that if they were going to move on from this- if they were going to come back from this that they had to let him go.

They were supposed to bring him home today, instead they were letting him go.

The nurse lifted Xavier from the warmer and placed him into Cristina's arms. She glanced down at him and her eyes stung as the tears began to flow more forcefully. She couldn't choke them back any longer. She pressed her lips to his artificially warmed skin. Tears slid from her cheeks wetting the tufts of black hair that adorned his head. Holding Xavier tightly against her chest, she leaned into Burke unable to support her own weight any longer.

Cristina felt everything spinning out of control and she just wanted to make it stop. She wanted the tears to stop; she wanted the thoughts to stop. She wanted the pathetic glances and gazes of pity from the staff to stop.

"I wanted this." She whispered softly, "Dammit, I wanted this. I wanted to give you this, but I wanted this too. Burke, I wanted it too." The words kept coming, the tears kept coming, and the emotions kept coming. The realization that they would never be parents kept coming.

Burke held her tightly as she sobbed against his chest, tears falling slowly from his own eyes. He tried to focus on the sun slowly rising through the window. He fought to keep his emotions in check. He would have to be strong for her now.

His grief would come later.

"I know you did, Cristina." He finally murmured softly against her ear. "I know you did."

After many hours spent at the hospital signing papers and making arrangements they returned home. The house that been filled with so many dreams now seemed lifeless. The echoes of their feet through the long hallway past the door to the nursery drowned their thoughts. The sheets of their bed felt like ice against their skin long after they'd been warmed by their bodies.

Silently, they both prayed for sleep to take over, for their bodies to shut down. Burke held Cristina close to him, his free hand snaking through her curls. He shivered as he felt her tears drop onto his hand and he pulled her closer. Despite everything that had happened to them over the past months, he couldn't help but think that they still fit. Their bodies still fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

They were two halves made whole, yet forever incomplete.


End file.
